Somewhere in the Middle
by One Great Mind
Summary: We are not friends. We are not together. We are somewhere in the middle. We are whatever. In the game of love, the first one who falls is the one who loses. I'll make sure I won't be the loser.
1. Part 1 Chapter 1: Heaven

**Author's Note posted below.**

Part 1

Chapter 1

Heaven

" **They say all good boys go to heaven but bad boys bring heaven to you." – Julia Michaels, Heaven**

How did I get here?

My feet were aching from all the dancing on six-inch heels but it didn't stop me. I was too drunk to care. My hair was soaked and my sweat was dripping all over my body. My neon blue dress was getting stinky but nobody would care. In fact, I smelled just like everybody.

Sweat and perfume made a weird combined scent and it was awful, but it wasn't enough to stop me from enjoying myself. I danced and danced to the rhythm of the DJ. The beats didn't have words but the best moments in life leave you speechless, right?

I came here with Kate and the girls. She's getting married and we wanted to celebrate all the fucking happily ever after shits she's talking about. Well, she's about to discover that it's not real at all. But who cares? It's her life and she's gonna have to discover it on her own. I am going to focus on my life right now. I am going to dance, baby. Oh yeah.

I am feeling the party to my bones. The lights are blinding me but in a way that they leave flashes of moments that I want to live on forever. I guess the reason why I love doing this is because I love to bury the past behind. When you get lost for a moment, that's when you truly live.

I stopped dancing just to get another glass of vodka and I hissed at the heat that transcended in my throat. This is awesome, my goodness! I don't know where Kate and the girls are but I didn't care. When the glass was empty, I raised it up and screamed on top of my lungs. I'm pretty confident that no one heard me. But that's just the challenge of it.

Don't we all like a little challenge in our lives?

I went back to the dance floor and danced to the rhythm of another tune. I saw neon everywhere and the lit up floor was reflecting the right amount of dim and brightness. I looked like a mess. I swayed my hips and tangled my hair with my fingers and just lost myself to the rhythm.

Then, I felt somebody's hands encircled my waist and it stopped me from dancing.

What the hell? Did this guy want a punch on his face?

I turned around to beat him but I changed my mind when I saw his face. Oh damn! Was it possible for my panties to roll down on its own? Because if it can, then it already did. This guy was so hot. Who is this?

He had grey eyes and copper hair and he looked so fresh to be in this place. I was almost drunk but I could still think clearly. This guy? He wasn't really drunk at all. In fact, he looked like he didn't belong here. He looked so neat. His hair was so well-kempt that I wanted nothing more but to mess it up. I was in my high heels but still he towered me with his height.

His huge hands grabbed me by the waist and pulled me closer to him. I could feel the warmth of his body and it passed on electricity. I don't know but there seemed to be just the right amount of sparks passing through the circuits of our skin. There was no space between our bodies and I could feel his heavy breathing.

I felt instantly wet when I felt his hardness pressed against mine. His hands were roaming around my body and I should feel ashamed because he was touching my sides and my thighs innocently but I moaned like he was doing a sensual act. Well, it's really a sensual act.

"I've been watching you dance. You look so fucking sexy," I could hear the lust in his voice when he leaned in to whisper in my ear.

"Your place now," I told him. It's about time I get laid.

We exited the dancing scene and when we were by the exit door, he pressed my back against it and immediately attacked my lips. I kissed back with the same ferociousness. The hotness between us was uncontrollable. Our tongues swirled together and our grunts and moans made it clear that we were enjoying ourselves.

He pulled away from the kiss, stormy grey eyes filled with lust.

"Good kisser too," he smirked.

I leaned in for another kiss but he pulled his head back.

"Fuck you," I cursed frustrated that he won't let me kiss him.

"In a few minutes, Baby. In a few minutes."

~~~Somewhere in the Middle~~~

He drove us to his place and damn it, he's rich. Well, that doesn't bother me at all. Guys don't intimidate me anymore. I don't care what his social status is. I just want him tonight.

When he slammed the door closed, I immediately got the kiss he denied me back in the club. Then, we were kissing so passionately. Our lips moved together in sync. My hands were all over his body and it was crazy. I always wanted to be touched and not the other way around. Something about this man made me want to explore his entire being.

I took off his shirt and his body was perfectly sculpted like a Greek statue. My fingers mindlessly traced his abdominal muscles and it just leaves me wetter than I already was. Our kiss didn't break off. It got even more intense. He bit my lower lip and I moaned because of the pleasure and pain that went together.

We couldn't reach the bed at this point. We settled for the couch. I pushed him to sit down before I took off my dress and straddled him and continued making out. He unclasped my bra in a snap and I saw lust in his eyes and I moaned when he attacked my breasts without any care in the world.

"Ugh . . . Ugh . . ." I moaned and moaned.

His mouth was magic and they sucked my nipples and it just felt unbelievable. Who would have thought that it would feel this good? Kiss. Suck. Kiss. Suck. That was the cycle he played and I pulled his hair because of the intensity.

Then I reached down to unbuckle his belt. I couldn't take it any longer. I am craving for him to be inside me right now. He reached down to pull down my wet panties as well. Then I looked down to see him. My eyes immediately went wide. I've slept with four guys in total and only one was a one night stand. But boy, they weren't as huge, long, and thick as this man.

"Can you handle it?" he asked with his fiery voice.

"I can," I raised my brow and took the challenge.

I aligned myself with his before he filled me whole. Both of us had a prolonged moan when he was fully inside me. I'm definitely not a virgin but his size just made me feel like this was the first time. I couldn't even move. I needed time to adjust.

He was moving though and it just hit all the right spot inside of me. I took all the energy I have and started rocking him. The two of us were having a contest on who's screaming the loudest. I leaned back as the pleasure hit too much. We were moving together. Back and forth. Back and forth. I thought I was in control but his strong hands grabbed me by the waist and he started guiding me in circular motion.

That's when I screamed so loud. I even screamed louder when his mouth attacked my breasts once again.

It was all too much. I came and he did too just a few seconds afterwards.

One rule about this entire thing is that there must be no cuddling at all. But I didn't have the energy to stand up so I leaned in and rest my cheek against his shoulder. I was alarmed when he wrapped his arms around my body.

"What's your name?"

"Why would I give you my name?"

"Because I want to scream it for our next round"

That's when I felt him hard again and no matter how tired I was, I became turned on again too. This was a first time for me.

I told him, "Ana".

"Christian," he revealed before pulling himself from me and placed me on the couch face down. He took me from behind and yes, I screamed his name countlessly.

~~~Somewhere in the Middle~~~

The morning light was shining too bright and I could still taste vodka inside my mouth. Why did it feel so warm? Wait, where am I? I opened my eyes and I am in a very lush home. The interiors were monochromatic and I bet it took a million dollars just to create this design.

Oh my goodness! I immediately sat up when I realized I was cuddling with a guy on his couch. Cuddling! I hate that word. That's against my rules if I want to have sex with a stranger.

Careful not to wake him up, I stood up and put on my clothes which were scattered on the floor.

Before walking out of his place, I took a look at his face. I took a look at Christian and he really looked beautiful when he was sleeping. His hard chest heaved up and down and his breathing was audible since it was too quiet. I didn't know what pushed me to do so but I took a few steps to him and stared at his innocent face.

How could this be possible?

How can a person look so innocent and wild at the same time?

I kissed him tenderly on the cheek before I walked out of the door.

This? It's a one-time thing.

~~~Somewhere in the Middle~~~

"Whoa! You did it three times in one-night with this stranger?"

"Oh yes, I did. In fact, I want a replay but that would complicate things."

Kate and I were having brunch in a pastry house just three days after. Well, damn, it didn't feel like three days. My legs still ached and I was reminded that he took me in different positions that night. Christian Whatever-His-Last-Name-Was surely didn't disappoint. And what gives? It was pretty clear that he was used to those kinds of nights too.

Just like the naïve romantic she is, Kate daydreamed, "What if this guy's the one for you? What if it's fate?"

"Huh?"

"Serendipity. What if?"

I rolled my eyes before taking a bite of the lasagne. "Kate, look I understand you are a bride-to-be and all but this relationship shit? It doesn't work with me, okay?"

She frowned and rolled her eyes, "You're crazy, Ana. I know someday you will meet somebody new and he will give answers to all of your 'why's'."

"What nonsense are you talking about, Kate? Look, I love you and I don't want to hurt you. You know how bad I can get so let's just talk about another topic, okay?"

Kate nodded and asked with an intrigued voice, "So about last night . . . tell me more."

I heard the door open and Kate's eyes didn't focus on me anymore. Rather, she looked at something behind me. I didn't care though. It's just another customer probably.

I told her, "With that guy I met from the guy three days ago? That was the best sex of my life!"

Kate then looked at me in horror and I heard someone clear his throat. I looked mortified when I turned back. It was Elliott . . . with Christian! I dropped my fork and everything else did drop. I couldn't believe this. What's this guy doing here? How did this happen? HELL NO! This must not be real.

"That's too much information, Ana. I'll pretend I didn't hear it," Elliott was grossed out.

Christian, on the other hands, gave me his signature smirk and said, "Whoa. Sounded like you had the time of your life."

"Bro, that's sick!" Elliott said before sitting right next to his fiance.

"Just joking," Christian said while he sat next to me, giving me a cocky grin.

Elliott then turned to Kate and said, "Surprise, Baby! Joining you for brunch."

"Yes, joining you," Christian said teasingly as he gazed at me.

How did I get here?

 **Author's Note:**

 **Just like my other stories, there is no BDSM and they are OOC. This is just the beginning of the story. We will know more about the characters. Thank you so much for reading. So . . . what do you think?**

 **Margo.**


	2. Part 1 Chapter 2: Hands

**Author's Note posted below.**

Part 2

Chapter 2

Hands

" **Can't keep my hands to myself,**

 **I mean I could but why would I want to?"**

-Selena Gomez, Hands to Myself

This is how the story turned out to be:

Kate and I have always been best friends since high school. When we were in freshmen year, we always condemned our peers who've had sex. Yeah, we slut-shamed them because why would we care about sex when we were only fifteen?

We have been there for each other. I've watched Kate fall in love and then get heartbroken, that same cycle until we graduated college. We grew together, learning that sex feels so damn good and we don't want to let it go with our respective partners. We knew each other so well and that's why I wasn't surprised when she decided to marry a guy she only met two months ago.

She described it to be a whirlwind romance.

Kate met Elliott when she got robbed in the streets of Madrid. Yes, she went there for a solo vacation when suddenly a man snatched her bag. Just like in the cliché movies, Elliott appeared just at the right moment and chased the man. He successfully got her bag and when they looked into each other's eyes, Kate described it to be "true love". Of course, I rolled my eyes. I've never heard of anything more pathetic in my life.

" _How sure are you that you should marry this man? You fucked in Spain, so what?"_

 _"No, Ana. We made love," I hated the way she said it with imaginary hearts forming in her eyes. Did Cupid strike too much arrows on her?_

 _"Kate, give me one good reason why."_

I almost thought that she would run out of reasons but this is Kate we're talking about. She's not a law student if she doesn't have any rebuts. She just told me, "I asked the universe for a sign. Remember when I told you that when I was ten, I wrote my name on a one dollar bill? Ana, Elliott got that bill! It's been with him for fifteen years!"

And so . . . whatever. They're going to end up divorced anyway.

Kate talked about Elliott 24/7. It's never like before but I'd rather have her talk about this stupid upcoming wedding instead of her explaining the laws and constitution to me. I've never been the lawyer type. I never will be. I'm a columnist for a women's magazine called "LUSH" and no, we don't talk about the constitution.

 _"Ana, Elliott's got this brother who is a big time businessman! Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.? He's the CEO of the company. He's very busy. He's the complete opposite of Elliott actually."_

 _"Shut up, Kate. I'm writing my column."_

And in that moment, I just wanted to slap myself. Why didn't I remember that? Why didn't I recall that Kate told me about Elliott's brother named Christian? When he told me his name before that one night stand, why didn't I just remember? This has got to be the most absurd thing that's ever happened. If I knew about this, I would have never done it with him.

"Uhm . . . Ana?"

"Huh?" I'm suddenly transported back to the present where the four of us eat brunch together.

"I've called your name three times. You zoned out or something."

I shake my head, "Oh no, I was just thinking about something."

Christian then asked, "What were you thinking about?"

I instantly glared at him. I don't know this guy but the way he asked me that implied that he already knew the answer. Oh hell, this guy's a tease and he's gonna make me suffer a lot, I could tell. His expression is smug. Although he kept his formal posture, he seemed cocky.

To make matters worse, Kate laughed, "You were thinking about the best sex of your life?"

"Kate!" I hissed. She's embarrassing me.

"What? It's not like Elliott and Christian aren't aware of it."

"Yeah, I'm totally aware of it," Christian gives that cocky smirk and he winks at me when Kate and Elliott aren't looking. I raise my middle finger at him for a second obviously pissed that he's being such a teasing ass.

"Look guys, we're here to have brunch, okay? Let's not talk about Ana's sexcapade. It makes me feel awkward," at least Elliott got some kind of gentleman in him. Maybe I could change my mind about him. Maybe he won't really break Kate's heart.

Oh Ana, with all you've been through, you still believe that a guy won't hurt you?

The brunch continued to be silent as Elliott and Kate just talked about their plans of going around the world for their honeymoon. Kate's thinking of stopping law school for a year just so she can focus on her married life. I don't agree with that decision but regardless of what I say, she will never listen and she'll always insist that she's right. She's going to be a lawyer after all.

A small inch of my skin touches Christian's for second when our elbows accidentally bumped. His white sleeves were rolled up and I happen to wear my black tank top. We stared at each other, eyes filled with fire. I knew he felt it. I knew that he felt that spark. I don't understand.

How could such a small action cause so much electricity?

I feel like if we do it again, I am going to be electrified to death.

 _Wait, Ana, do it again? That's against your rules! Remember, you have your own set of rules!_

While Elliott and Kate kept on talking about their serendipitous love story, Christian and I stay quiet. They probably think we're listening but they don't know what's happening underneath the table.

Christian's hand sneakily roams all the way up my thighs underneath my knee-length denim skirt. His fingers sensually trace my sensitive skin and I bite my lip to fight back a moan. I should stop him. I shouldn't let him do this but it just feels so good. His hands move up and up and up until it reaches mine, sneaking beneath my wet panties.

I glanced at him and his skin slightly turned red. I bet he's hard after feeling how soaking wet I am. My legs are shaking as his finger teases my clit spreading the wetness all around.

"Ana, are you okay?" Kate asks looking at me like I appear to be weird.

All I can do is nod. I don't want her to hear my voice now. It's a bad idea.

"Oh, she's fine. She's enjoying it," Christian said confidently as if there's nothing going on here. In fact, while he's saying that, his fingers enter further and start plunging in such speed. I'm barely holding it in. Up and down, swiftly. That's what his finger does. His index finger hits all right places and I'm trying hard not to twitch my body in response. I don't think I could.

"Enjoying what?"

"The food," Christian smirked.

Kate then gushed about the food and Elliott always agreed with her. They talked about the possible ingredients for this special garlic bread while me? I was losing my mind!

His speed increases incredibly fast and I knew that if we weren't in a public place, I would have screamed his name out loud. How could he be so good at this? No one's ever made me feel this kind of excitement before and I'm no stranger to sex. His finger twists and so did my toes.

That's it.

I came.

I freaking came.

How embarrassing.

I was flushed while Christian just did nothing. He continued eating with the hand he didn't use. His other one rested on my knee, thumbs rubbing in slow motion.

We gazed at each other and I got scared.

Because like our skins, our eyes locked together had some kind of spark.

~~~Somewhere in the Middle~~~

Kate and Elliott met a mutual friend outside the restaurant and they were talking for so long. Of course, that meant telling their love story and eventually handing out an invitation.

Christian and I were standing by his Mercedes Benz car, our backs pressed against it.

"Do you feel it too?"

"Feel what?" I'm playing dumb.

"This . . . _electricity_ between us. It's . . . irresistible."

I turn to look at him and he even looks more handsome standing among the broad daylight. His chest is hard, shoulders broad, height standing tall, and his eyes . . . his eyes are so beautiful. They remind me of the storms in the Pacific. Or how I imagined them to be.

My tongue betrays me.

"Yes, I do feel it."

His expression turns serious and his jaw clenches, "Are you on pill?"

"Yes, I am."

"Are you clean?"

"Of course, I am!"

Where is this interrogation going?

Then he straightened his back and stared at me seriously in the eyes, "Ana, listen, I am not looking for a relationship. I don't believe in that crap. I am a thirty year old man who has needs and I have no shame to admit that since the night we slept on the couch, I have craved to taste you again. In fact, I want you so much that I couldn't keep my hands to myself an hour ago. Would you like to do it with me? I am clean. I am careful. I assume you are too. I mean, I woke up without you so I assume you don't want a relationship too."

I confirm, "I am not the deep fairytale type of relationship girl. I don't believe in love."

"I don't too," he said.

"So what are you saying? That we're going to be fuck buddies?" I'm straightforward so he should be straightforward too.

"I don't want to use that term. That's overrated. Let's call ourselves "Middle". We're somewhere in the middle."

"Okay," I still think fuck buddies though.

"Okay?"

"I agree," I decided to follow what I want. I only got one life to live. This meant I must do the things I want. What's the harm in this? It feels good. This isn't right but the forbidden things always taste the best.

"Tonight, my place," I added.

He gives me that same sexy smirk, "Alright. Give me the address."

I wrote my address down my notepad and handed it to him.

After handing it over, he said, "The ultimate rule? No falling in love."

"We got no problem with that," I said confidently.

"No problem then," that's what he said.

I cannot wait for tonight.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Wow! 36 Reviews for the first chapter?! You guys are so amazing! Thank you for reading my story. Yes, the characters are cold and stoic but secrets are going to be unravelled as the story goes far. What can I say? Let's all enjoy the ride.**

 **Thank you!**

 **Margo.**


	3. Part 1 Chapter 3: Place

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 1**

 **Chapter 3:**

 **Place**

" **We say nothing more than we need but I say your place when we leave. Baby, this is what you came for."**

 **~ Calvin Harris, This is What You Came For**

I work as a columnist for a women's magazine and it gives me the opportunity to express myself. I can write whatever I want, whatever I want to express as a woman. The pay doesn't make me rich but it gives me a decent life.

I live in an apartment with my cat. Her orange fur and bored eyes remind me of how single I am. And it's no problem because cats don't hurt you the way boys do.

My apartment room is just fine. There's an area for TV and red sofa and I got this space where I lay down my bed with bookshelves surrounding me. Life's like that for me: open my laptop, write my articles, watch a movie, and never stressing out. I get occasional sex but they don't happen often. I make sure that I trust the guy first before I sleep with them. And of course, the guy shouldn't have feelings with me because I will never have feelings for him.

We're humans. We have needs. And those needs don't have to have strings attached.

The only weird thing about my apartment is the guitar I keep in the corner. I should've thrown it a long time ago but I don't know what's stopping me. This is so messed up. That guitar's out of tune and it's filled with cobwebs. It is blue and it once belonged to my father.

I crossed my arms and took a deep breath. I let the images flood me.

Those were the images when my father would play the cheesy overrated Elvis Presley song. He sang it to my mother and me. That man. That son of a bitch. He strummed the guitars so perfectly and the two of us would sing, "Wise men say only fools rush in but I can't help falling in love with you."

I was a kid and I thought he was the marshmallow softy type of Dad who would never leave us. But he left us.

Everybody does.

A tear almost slipped out of my eyes. Almost.

Instead of drowning myself in this awful sob story, I stopped thinking about it and focused on what's going to happen tonight. He's coming by my place tonight. My thighs quiver just by the thought of tonight.

~Somewhere in the Middle~

Somebody knocks on my door and I was more than ready. My heartbeat accelerates with the excitement. My pulse rate is soaring high and my cheeks redden with all the possibilities of tonight. I'm going to make sure that he will love every minute of it.

I open the door and there he stands so tall and beautiful. Even with his business attire, his shoulders look broad and his lust-filled eyes greet mine with the same intensity.

Before I invite him in, he steps into the room and almost attacks me with an impulsive kiss but I stop him. I push him, my palm against his chest until he sits down the couch.

"Let's play a game," I said as I stand before him with so much confidence.

"Oh, what's the game?" His voice sounded like a lion acquiesced to be tamed.

I said, "We make rules about this relationship. Each rule, we remove an item of clothing."

"You start," he said before licking his lips, eyeing me from head to toe. I was still in my work attire. Well, I did this on purpose—wear a pencil skirt that perfectly shows the shape of my ass.

I start the game.

"Don't judge me." After I give that rule, I unbutton my white top revealing my black laced bra. He drools and that makes me give myself a round of applause.

"Why would I judge you? I like you wild and hot and . . .bad."

"It's just that people don't understand. They say women who do this are sluts but the truth is, they don't really know because they want to judge first."

"I won't judge you," he promised.

"Your turn," I said almost too impulsively. Let's get this on.

"Don't fuck other guys while we're doing this middle thing," he removes his necktie and that makes me mad.

"I won't fuck with other guys but what? Just a necktie, seriously?"

"Item of clothing, right?" he teased.

I got so frustrated but he was right. Damn! I should have worn shoes.

"Okay, another rule then: don't ask me anything too personal."

I unclasp the hook of my pencil skirt until it falls down the floor. I'm just in my underwear now while he's still fully clothed.

"No one should know about this," he adds a secret and removes his shoes.

"Seriously? Shoes?"

"Item of clothing," he reminds me and I try not to erupt and get mad.

"Okay, another rule: do not send me flowers or do anything corny. Remember, you are not my boyfriend," I unclasp my bra and without any shame, my breasts are bear before him. He gulps as my nipples harden with the cold air.

"Ouch. You're so straightforward, huh? But your boobs are worth it." He was breathless when said that.

Then he adds, "Don't fall in love with me. I don't like commitment or attachments."

"We got no problem with that but can you please take your shirt off?"

He gives me a smirk before unbuttoning his top revealing the muscles I've been longing to touch. His abdomen is perfectly tone and his chest so muscly and huge, it's crazy. It's making my panties more soaked than they already are.

My voice was hoarse when I said, "Don't fuck with other girls when you're still fucking me."

"Why? You jealous?"

"No . . . I just want to be clean." Jealousy? I don't want to feel that again.

"Uhm . . . item of clothing please?"

"Right," I removed my panties until they've reached the floor. And there I was: naked before him. My body is bear and cold and I want the game to last but I guess those are just the rules.

With one swift movement, Christian's nails buried on both sides of my hips. He pulls me closer and without any warning, he plunges his tongue across my opening and I couldn't explain the sensation I felt.

"Christian," I was moaning his name out loud

His mouth attacked me down there, my pussy gets all the attention it never had before. His tongue dances, swirls, pushes and pulls, and it was heaven. I couldn't believe that it could feel this way. I felt like I was seeing white light.

I was still standing but I felt my toes give out. They were curling up from all the pleasure he was giving. My hands are all over his hair, pulling them to the point that he could feel pain. He was grunting as I did it and it just matched the rhythm of the sounds I am making. His mouth was talented—too talented, in fact.

It was so heavy. It felt so raw.

I was reaching and reaching higher until I finally came.

"You taste so sweet, Ana. You're the sweetest thing I ever tasted," Christian said after my climax. Each word he uttered had his heavy breathing in between.

It was mind shattering, it was undoubtedly sensational so I almost lost my balance and fell down the floor. But Christian picked me up instantly and threw me on the bed.

I looked at him. As I lied down naked-already limp, he on the other hand was still hard as rock when he took his pants and boxers off. His naked glory was before me and despite how exhausted I was, I still want it. In fact, I want it so bad.

"You are mine tonight," he whispered after positioning himself on top of me and leaning into my ear.

Without any warning, he flips me to my front and pulls my ass up in the air. He slaps it and I moan with the pain and pleasure combined. Then he hooked both my legs with his hips. He guided it until he made sure that they won't let go. My legs twisted and they wrapped around both sides of his hips. With my arms exhorting effort on the bed and his hands carrying my weight, I would have fallen down the bed.

I was inclining. It felt so . . . raw.

He plunges his throbbing cock inside me and I was rocked forward and backward. Slow. Fast. Slow again. And fast. I wasn't kneeling so it was difficult to keep the angle. My arms felt like giving out but not just yet.

"Ana," he keeps on calling my name out loud, breathing it like he praised me. He was pushing into me back and forth—again and again. With the intensity of his thrusts, my head is just an inch away from the headboard.

I am giving out. I cannot handle this.

"Do not come yet," he was demanding.

"Christian, I-I can't," I can't even recognize my own voice.

"Not just yet," the speed of his thrusting heightens.

"Christian, please," I beg him.

"Now,"

And we come together.

I unhook my legs from his hips and I fall face down the bed. I don't care anymore. I am too exhausted. That was . . . mindblowing. I fell asleep instantly.

~ Somewhere in the Middle~

Somewhere in the middle of the night, I wake from the sound that's coming in my room. The darkness outside the window tells me that it's just dawn. Morning seems so far.

I am sleeping in a fetus position and behind me, I feel him. I feel his presence so close. His smell tastes like mint to my nose. He's just near me, I hear it. Then, he was strumming the guitar. He touched the damn guitar! I almost pulled myself up to grab it from him but he starts singing.

"Wise men say only fools rush in but I can't help falling in love with you," he sang and his voice sounded raspy and soft at the same time.

He continues singing the song and my tears just flowed endlessly. That guitar hasn't been touched for almost a decade. It was out of tune. It didn't have a purpose. I don't even know why I kept it. Then, Christian's singing it with perfect vocals blending with the tune of the strings.

"Like a river flows surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be."

He sings and sings and my heart was strangled underneath my chest. It felt so bittersweet to hear this song. It reminds me of how love can be so deceiving.

What terrifies me is the fact that Christian's making it sound like it's not. He makes love feel seem so convincing.

The song is over and I feel him stand from the bed to return the guitar back to its corner. When I feel him coming back to bed, his footsteps getting louder, I quickly wipe away my tears until my face can be as dry as possible. I pretend to be asleep.

My heart almost stopped by what he did.

He kissed me on the cheek before wrapping his arms around me from behind until he fell asleep deeply. His breathing spread heat all over the back of my neck.

I'm scared because we're spooning.

I'm even more scared because I didn't stop him.

We slept like that the entire night and it just felt . . . right.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Thank you all for reading this new chapter. Thank you also for the follows, favorites, and reviews. I hope you liked this chapter.**

 **I express my gratitude to you for reading my previous works after they got reposted.**

 **Thank you!**

 **Margo.**


	4. Part 1 Chapter 4: Time

**Author's Note posted below**

 **Part 1**

 **Chapter 4**

 **Time**

" **Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you.**

 **Caught up in circles confusion is nothing new."**

 **~Cyndi Lauper, Time After Time**

"So what's up?"

"Nothing," I told Kate.

We have this bestfriends tradition where Saturday nights are all about sister bonding. We're watching "The Notebook" and she's swooning over how gorgeous Ryan Gosling is. She asked me a question randomly and it's very unusual.

Kate takes the remote control from my grasp to pause the movie.

"Okay, Ana. Spill."

"What is there to spill? I told you it's nothing, Kate."

She rolls her eyes and argues, "You know what? I know you. When we watch The Notebook, you would normally blubber bad words and say that the movie is a lie but you'd still watch it because of Ryan Gosling. Now you're just . . . silent and your ice cream is melting!"

"Come on, Kate, let's just go and watch the movie," I try to take the remote control from her but she hides it behind her back.

"Oh my gosh! You're fucking someone!"

I roll my eyes, "So what if I'm fucking someone?"

She looks like she won the jackpot. She asks excitedly, "Who?"

It's not against the rules so I told her, "It's Christian, your fiancé's brother."

Then, she screams so loud it almost deafens me. There she goes again, romanticizing everything. Well, that's Kate. She's pretty naïve about love and the pain that comes along with it.

"Why the hell are you screaming?"

She answers my question with another question, "How many times?"

"More than ten?"

"Oh my goodness! Ana, wow! Christian never sleeps with the same girl twice and he slept with you for more than ten times?! This really means something, Ana. I can't believe that he is your boyfriend now. We are definitely going to be sisters!"

"Wait, hold up! He is not my boyfriend, okay?"

"Then what are you?"

I use Christian's words, "We're somewhere in the middle."

"That exists? What the hell? What does that even mean?"

"That means we're not friends and we're not together. Just somewhere in between."

"That's shit. That never works. One of you will fall in love first and things will turn bad."

I roll my eyes, "I'll never fall for him and he'll never fall for me. See? Based on what you're saying, he's a no strings attached type of guy too. This just works for us."

Kate takes the ice cream from me and starts eating it. Oh no, I know that face. She is giving me the lawyer version of her.

"Anastasia, Christian Grey is a billionaire. At the age of 22, he established his own company. Now ten years later, he's still the player. You see him dating a bunch of girls and then another girl on the next week. But don't you think he wants to settle down? I don't know but I can sense that you might be different from all the girls before."

"Kate, once a player always a player, okay?"

"Ana, come on. You have to give men a chance. Not every guy is like your father. Not every guy is like Jose who—"

"Shut up, Kate. I don't want to hear his name again."

She takes a deep breath, "I'm sorry, Ana. I really am but I just want you to be happy."

I feel irritated with how Kate is acting right now. She reminds me of a Disney Princess who for being too sweet, she died out of diabetes.

"What do you even mean by happiness, Kate? Elliott? Is that your meaning of happiness?"

"Yes, Elliott is my happiness."

I roll my eyes and say, "Kate, what if he breaks up with you? What if he ends your marriage, huh? Then where's happiness in that?"

"That's why I'm happy and you're not: you have a lot of what if's while I don't."

My nostrils flare heated air, "Kate, sooner or later you're going to realize that relationships are the dumbest thing in the world. You're going to marry him and before you know it, we can't even spend Saturday nights again."

"We still will, Ana. I talked to him about him."

"Huh?"

"He just said, 'Go ahead, Kate. You can spend Saturday nights with Ana just as long as you spend the rest of your time with me.'"

I can't believe this. I can't even speak.

Then, she reaches out to hold my hand. She tells me in an odd motherly manner, "Ana, when you're with the right person, you don't have to compromise who you are. I know you don't believe in the right persons or destiny or serendipity but at some point, you have to just love and feel."

I don't say anything else.

"Do you cuddle with him after sex?"

There's something about Kate's method of interrogating that makes me want to say the truth. "Yes, we cuddle after sex."

"Then, I believe you know who is right between the two of us."

Once again, I'm speechless.

"Now let's just watch The Notebook, okay?" She presses the 'play' button and while we watch the movie, I couldn't concentrate. My thoughts drift back to the times I spent with Christian.

Two weeks.

We've been going at it for two weeks now and I play it out brave but each moment gets me pretty scared. It's something I cannot understand because no matter how frightened I am, I don't have the strength to stop what's going on between us.

 **Week 1 – Monday**

 _"Your place is lovely, isn't it?"_

 _"You've been here before."_

 _"Yeah but I was so drunk that time."_

 _We've decided that we're going to do it in his place tonight. I'm all up for it and excited for another wild night, but the place is so beautiful. The architecture is so modern and the symmetrical patterns of the smooth platinum walls. Minimalist paintings are up on the wall and they just scream out the meaning of sophistication._

 _Christian's a sophisticated man, isn't he?_

 _"Too drunk that time," he recalls._

 _"Yeah and you were too drunk too," I tell him._

 _He turns quiet before he leads me upstairs. The moment we entered his room, I took off my trench coat and revealed that I am literally wearing nothing underneath._

 _His eyeballs almost pop out and before I knew it, we went at it the entire night. It was epic: Our sweaty bodies tangle together and our moans and grunts creating the perfect symphony._

 _As the night ended, we were panting and there he cuddles with me again and whispers, "Ana, I wasn't drunk."_

 _"Huh?"_

 _"That night we slept for the first time? I wasn't drunk."_

 _I was too tired to mind._

 **Week 2 – Friday**

 _"What? Are you sure, Christian? What if somebody sees us?"_

 _We're in his office and it's quite naughty how his workers think that I'm a client of his when the truth is we're two people with raging needs._

 _But despite how brave I am when it comes to trying new sexual adventures, I am not keen about the idea of exhibiting sex. I don't know. It feels so weird for me. It's not my sort of thing._

 _"What do you mean by somebody seeing us? The CCTV's not functioning right now due to my request and we're on the top floor. The only way we're going to be seen is when someone flies a chopper."_

 _"Oh right"_

 _Then we start ripping each other's clothes off and my naked body's pressed against the glass window. Luckily, the building's the tallest here in Seattle so we don't have any chance of peeping Tom's assigned on top floors. He enters me and I cannot control the moans coming out of my mouth._

 _Then when I open my eyes, I scream, "Christian, a chopper! A Chopper!"_

 _"Shit!" He immediately pulls out of me and we practically dive to the floor hiding behind the leather sofa. We are naked on the floor hiding from the strange chopper that flew before the window. I was on top of him as we lay down._

 _"What was that, Christian?"_

 _"I don't know but I'm certain the pilot didn't see us."_

 _"That is . . . bizarre." We hear the sounds of the chopper outside and we just can't help but laugh. We laugh so hard it's making our tummies ache. I'm still lying on top of him so I bury my face on his bare chest. I feel them shakily rising and falling with every laugh he releases._

 _I look up to see his face and he is colored in red._

 _Then, I feel him harden again as he enters me once more._

 _We take each other on his office floor._

 **Week 2 – Sunday**

 _We're back to my place and I am on the edge._

 _"Christian . . ." I moan his name out loud letting him know that I am near my climax. He's sitting down and I'm on top. I take him up and down, so fast that my breasts rock before him. He sucks my nipples while I increase my speed. Meanwhile both of his hands are gripping both sides of my hips._

 _"CHRISTIAN!" I scream it out loud as I finally come._

 _He thrusts into me three more times before he finally comes too._

 _Then we lay next to each other. Just like the times before, Christian embraces me from behind. He kisses the tip of my shoulder blade before resting his chin of my shoulder. The heat radiates between us, but it is not enough._

 _For the first time, I turn around and press my cheek against his chest. I wrap my arms around his body too. Then, his chin finds a resting place on top of my head before giving me a kiss on the forehead._

 _We lay each other like that and no matter how much I try to believe, no matter how much I try to feel, there's something that bothers me._

 _It's the fact that he's going to be gone too and I'll be hurt again._

 **Author's Note:**

 **Christian's character has yet to be revealed. There is more to learn from him and as well as from Ana. And guys, thank you for the ever-inspiring reviews you've given. They encourage me to improve and push through with the story.**

 **And, Happy Father's Day to all the fathers in your lives.**

 **Margo.**


	5. Part 1 Chapter 5: Landslide

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 1**

 **Chapter 5**

 **Landslide**

" **When you're caught in a landslide, I'll be there for you.**

 **In the rain give you sunshine, I'll be there for you.**

 **Every time that you're lonely, every time that you feel alone, you should know I'll be there for you."**

 **~ Landslide, Oh Wonder**

This isn't right at all.

I am staring at the new issue of LUSH Magazine and sure, it looks glamorous but my article is not in it! The supermodel is cradling a puppy on the cover and it's just photographed with a great amount of professionalism. It lures the audience to buy it from one glance. That is good but my article is not in it!

Without wasting any time, I stomp my way to Hannah's office. She's the editor-in-chief of the publication and I want her to do nothing more than just give me a shallow explanation. This is the first time this happened.

"Hannah, may I speak with you?" I ask after entering her office through the sliding door. I did not even knock.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Unlike the stereotype of female bosses in movies, Hannah is very warm and welcoming. Sure, she transforms into a horror movie icon when she gets mad but she isn't bitter or cold. She's just the boss you are not scared of and scared of at the same time.

"Why hasn't my article been published?"

She takes a sip of coffee before smiling, "I didn't like it."

"Why didn't you like it? I don't understand you!"

"It's too negative."

"What? Hannah, there's nothing negative about it. I believe you are referring to the term, 'realist'! What I wrote was realistic!"

She shook her head, "No, it's not, Ana. Do you know our brand?"

I roll my eyes, "Of course, I do! We empower women, Hannah. We teach them to love themselves. We teach them to be okay despite everything. We teach them to be strong. We are feminists."

That's when her words slapped me in the face.

"We are feminists because we fight for equality. Being equal with men doesn't mean we must degrade them. What's the point of equality when you pull down the opposite sex—when you pull down a human being? Ana, empowering women doesn't mean having to pull men down. Your write-up?"

I braced myself for the harsh words.

"It wasn't empowering."

My fists curl up to a ball and I know I'm turning red.

She puts the mug of coffee back on the surface of her mahogany desk. Hannah says, "I don't know about you but I am a divorcee, my son hates me, and my father left me when I was a kid, but I chose not to be bitter about it."

"W-well . . . well . . ." I couldn't find a comeback.

"Anastasia, you need a break. I sense too much negative energy in you. You are stressed all the time. It's like you don't have good vibes in your surroundings. No write-ups for you this June. Write one for July, okay?"

That's when my world starts spinning. First, she tells me that my article is too negative. Second, she accuses me of not empowering women. Third, she's telling me to take a rest for a month and come back with an article on July?

I want to lash out. I want to spike her like volleyball. I want to tell her how horrible she is. But I was sane enough to realize that if I'd do that, I'd lose my job.

Instead, I just utter, "Okay".

~Somewhere in the Middle~

While staring at my computer screen and brainstorming for my new article, I want nothing more than to just go home and cry and sing. This is such an awful day. This is probably the worst day of my life.

My phone rings and it blinks Christian's name.

I take a deep breath before clicking the green icon and saying, "Hello."

"Hey! You can't believe what happened at work! It's probably the best day of my life!"

"Great," I try to sound ecstatic but I fail.

Then, the energy in him dies down. Suddenly, the voice that was filled with colorful brush strokes was replaced by a black and white painting.

He questions, "What's wrong?"

Then I cry about it. I tell him every single feeling. I tell him how I feel so awful. I tell him how the world is crumbling around me. It's like I'm stuck in a landslide and no one's there to extend a helping alone. I feel so alone.

I haven't even realized that I've been crying over the phone for thirty minutes and I just emptied two boxes of tissues. I blow my nose and finalized, "There you have it, that's why my day is awful."

"Listen, I am here for you, okay? I'm busy right now but I promise I'm here for you. Sorry I am in a rush," he tells me before closing the phone shut.

Could this day get any worse?

Just when I opened up to him and tell him exactly how I feel, he just turns off his phone like nothing's going on. This is bizarre. Why am I feeling so hurt anyway? We made it clear from the very start that what we have is just a sexual relationship and it doesn't involve being there for each other.

Concealing the hurt I feel from him, I decide to grab the latest issue of LUSH and read the article that was published on the column. It was supposed to be the one I wrote but instead, the intern's work got published. I laughed sarcastically. This has got to be the dumbest article I've ever read.

 _ **8 signs he is in love with you by April Gallo, intern**_

 __I laugh at every single word she wrote. Why would a woman want to read this? We all know that the entire list is a lie! Then, as I was reading I paused when my eyes stumbled on the fourth item.

 _ **4\. He is in love with you when he had the best day at work but refused to talk about it because you had your worst.**_

 _ **Love is all about being there through good times and the bad. Sometimes, those two don't go hand in hand. Your partner may have the best day while you're at your worst. True love is when he'd rather choose to sit in hell with you even if he already has VIP access to heaven.**_

 __Suddenly, this intern planted hope in me. I didn't expect to do so but I grabbed an issue of LUSH and read it. And unlike before, I searched for signs.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

I am still sad though.

Just like old times, I find myself lying down my bed and singing my heart out to the song coming out from the speakers' max volume.

I shout, "ALL BY MYSELF! DON'T WANNA BE ALL BY MYSELF ANYMOOOOORE!" That's the climax of the song and pretty much my stress reliever. When I sing that part, or shout rather, I get this whole new positive energy.

I am about to replay the song for the fifth time when I hear a knock. I roll my eyes. This is probably my neighbour, Bob who always borrows a cup because he hasn't washed his. I stand up and open the door, "I have no cups, Bob."

Then I immediately pause when it's not Bob.

It's Christian.

"Oh, but you have B-cups," he jokes but I don't laugh. I am so astounded with him right now. I mean, he often shows up in my door when he barges in and we can have sex but this is different. He's still in his office attire and he has brought like a dozen of golden balloons with him.

He hands me the balloons and I read them. The texts include:

 _ **It is okay**_

 _ **Bad day at work? Just a bad day. Not a bad life.**_

 _ **You'll be alright**_

 _ **This is an opportunity to do better**_

 _ **You're still awesome**_

 _ **You're the best writer!**_

"Shall I come inside now?"

I am still dumbstruck.

"Wait, I have more," he says before grabbing something hidden beside the door. It's a box of rectangular chocolate cake with words written on the surface of the cake, "Fuck you, Hannah and Intern."

I laugh at that and I invite him to come inside.

Sitting down my bed, I clear my throat. I am not in the mood for sex right now. I try to initiate a conversation, "What happened at work? Let me here about it. You signed a good deal or something?"

He gives me a smile and says, "Never mind my work, Ana. It's all about you now. So, let's do something to make you feel okay?"

I think of the intern's rule number 4 and I hate how it gives me expectations.

Christian presses, "What can I do to make you feel okay?"

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

"Ohhhh!" I sing my heart out while devouring the cake. I take one bite and say, "Go ahead, Christian. Sing this part. This is your part!"

"Don't want to live by myself anymore, by myself anymore, ANYMORE!" He screams on top of his lungs, words are unclear because his mouth is filled with chocolates.

When we're too tired, we lay right next to each other and he asks to read the article I've written. I give the copy to him and he creases his eyebrow as he finishes reading the entire thing. An excerpt caught his attention.

 _ **Why choose not to be in a relationship?**_

 _ **Men are cheaters. All of them. They are all cheaters. We're so much better than them. Women are so much better.**_

 __"I'll be honest with you, Ana. I totally get why this wasn't published. Ana, women cheat too, you know."

I roll my eyes, "If we base it on statistics, men are much bigger cheaters."

Then, I see a side of him I've never seen before. His eyes are too serious and emotions are burning up. If there's one word to describe him, it's 'vulnerable'.

He replies, "There are no statistics when it comes to pain, Ana. When somebody cheats, numbers don't matter anymore. Men or women, old or young—anybody's capable of cheating and making someone feel like shit."

Then I broke the rule when I asked a personal question, "Did somebody cheat on you before?"

"Yes, she did."

And from what I've heard, he loves this woman and she broke him.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Thank you guys for the support I've been receiving. I'm really busy with life right now. I get to update three times a week or four times if I have enough free time. But here you go. How was the fifth chapter?**


	6. Part 1 Chapter 6: Dress

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 1**

 **Chapter 6**

 **Dress**

" **Say my name and everything just stops,**

 **I don't want you like a bestfriend.**

 **Only bought this dress so you can take it off."**

 **~Taylor Swift, Dress**

Brainstorming for the new article is probably the most difficult thing to ever do. Somehow I just can't seem to grasp a new idea for my next write-up. Kate gives me various suggestions but they all go to waste.

 _"You can write about the conservation of the environment."_

 _"No, Kate. I don't think readers of women's magazine will find that interesting."_

 _"What if you write about me and Elliott?"_

 _"Oh, no, Kate"_

 _"Or you can write about sex"_

 _"Already have"_

 _"You can be more specific. I can see the title now: How to impress a billionaire in bed."_

 _"That's not a good idea at all."_

 _"Or . . . you can write about falling in love."_

 _I quickly deny that, "Why would I write about that? I am not even falling in love."_

 _"Oh you are, darling. You and I both know that you are lying."_

 _I don't reply after that._

What I am doing right now is roaming around the museum. It's the newest one in town. It just opened yesterday. At the age of 26, I haven't visited museums so much. It's not that I don't appreciate art, I do. It's just that most people here are pretentious. They act like they understand every brushstroke or the complex message minimalists convey but they don't. They just come here to take photos and post it online.

Ugh. Aside from that, I don't see anything interesting enough for me to create an article.

"Ana?"

As soon as I hear his voice, I get chills. I turn around and there he is. He looks like a supermodel for Calvin Klein in his suit. His copper hair got longer and it just suits him so well. He's with a short man and I can sense that he's in business mode.

"Christian," I breathe. It's unfair how gorgeous he is.

"Mr. Floyd, this is Anastasia Rose Steele, she's one of the best writers in the magazine industry."

I give him a look and he just shrugs his shoulder. I offer my hand to Mr. Floyd and he shakes it.

"Ana, this is Tom Floyd, the owner of this Museum. He's a client and a good friend."

I am not dazed anymore. When you are working in the journalism industry, you meet a lot of big people. When you meet a lot of big people, that's when you realize that they aren't that big at all.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Floyd. Splendid museum!"

"It is!"

"I can see the Doric inspiration. Care to tell me more about it?"

"Oh sure—" But when almost speaks, a woman interrupts and I assume that they are very good friends. They're like gushing over each other. My gut tells me that she is his mistress.

"Excuse us," he says before immersing himself in the conversation with the girl. That leaves me with Christian.

I look at him inquisitively. His grey eyes are staring at me from head to toe and I can see something. There is a spark igniting beneath those smoky grey orbs.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You look so hot in that dress."

Well I'm wearing a very simple black dress and the sleeves are long. He probably likes it on me because the dark fabric envelopes my body, emphasizing my shape.

But the twist here is that I am thinking of the same thing. He looks incredibly good and hot and it's burning me. I lean closer and whisper to his ear, "I wore this dress so you can take it off."

I look at his crotch and I smirk as I see the hardness.

"Tonight?" His voice is already husky.

"Tonight," I confirm.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

I arrive in his place still wearing the same dress. He opens the door and I quickly enter. We sit by the couch, the place where we first took each other.

He gives me a glass of champagne and I take a sip.

His eyes are looking at me with so much lust. I empty the glass first before placing it on the glass center table. I stand before him and he faces my back.

"Care to unzip me?"

I feel him stand, he is so close. I can even smell him. He takes a hold of the zipper and slides it down, revealing my skin. The dress falls on the floor. He unclasps my bra and when his hands reach my front to grab my breasts, I can't resist it anymore.

Turning around, I attack his lips with feverish kisses. I feel it everywhere. I feel his tongue—the sweetness, tenderness, and attack of it. I am pulling his hair already and while we're continually kissing, he doesn't stop fondling my breasts.

We start walking all the way up to his bedroom while slowly undressing each other. Each step we take-each step we undergo from the living room to the stairs to the hallway and to his room, each item of clothing is taken off. We reach the bed with no clothes on, without shoes even.

I take dominance by pushing him to the bed and he smirks, "Damn, this is why sex is the best with you."

That just boosts my confidence. It makes me want to satisfy him more.

I straddle him and without warning, I plunge myself down to his cock and we both moan at how it feels so good. We just fit so well. I move up and down and I moan even louder when he sucks on my nipples. The pleasure is doubled. My fingers dig into the back of his neck and they slide down his back creating scratches.

"Ugh . . . Ana."

"Christian, Christian," I am there. I am almost there.

And when I thought that I am almost in my release, Christian pulls out of me. Of course, I get mad.

"What the fuck, Christian?!" I scream at him.

He ignores my being angry as he places me on the bed, him on top of me now. He places my legs on both of his shoulders and enters me without any warning. I scream his name on top of my lungs. He pushes in and out. In and out. In and out. In and out again. It is just so deep this way. The way he takes me on makes it all too consuming.

His rhythm is fast and I do all my efforts to keep up.

His hands are on either side of my face, and his thumb on my lips, catching the moans and whimpers and pants.

Christian presses his forehead against mine.

"Come now, baby. Come now for me."

We come together but do not let go.

Instead, our eyes are locked in the gaze. My blue eyes wide as the sea and his grey ones wide as a stormy sky, all meeting in the same hurricane. Then, it was the familiar feeling of lightning and thunder combined, of waves crashing and tides going indecisive. It was like . . . _love_. . . and it's fucking scary.

When he slowly pulls out of me, I roll to the left side of the bed in panic. I cover myself with the sheets, my back facing him.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

He attempts to wrap his arms around me from behind but I pull myself farther.

"What's wrong, Ana?"

"Nothing," I whisper.

"Well then, let me hold you and—"

"You're not my boyfriend, okay? What we have? It isn't special or anything. Remember the rules? We are in the middle."

We haven't spoken the entire night.

I crave for his touch and his hold and his embrace, but I cannot let myself get attached. It will kill me once this is all over.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Thank you for the private messages and follows and favorites and reviews. You guys are so awesome. I do recommend you to listen to the songs that inspire the chapters. Thank you so much.**

 **Margo.**


	7. Part 1 Chapter 7: Afraid

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 1**

 **Chapter 7**

 **Afraid**

" **I'm so afraid to love you,**

 **But more afraid to lose,**

 **Clinging to the past that doesn't let me choose."**

 **~ I Will Remember You, Sarah McLachlan**

Three days. I have been avoiding Christian for three days now. I haven't been able to sleep well since we had sex that night I wore the black dress. I was so petrified when he looked at me that way. It reminded me of all the pain; it reminded me of all the hurt. It was bizarre. I hated it so much.

I am in my desk after a meeting with Hannah. We all present our plans for next month's issue and she's pretty focused on the six-page fashion page. The model's going to be dressed up like a reindeer in a frosty set. It's pretty weird but it's Hannah and her weirdness always works.

Since I still have fifteen minutes before my time off, I stare at my computer and Googled Christian.

I admit that I am not very familiar with him before we met in that club. It's because we don't really feature men in our magazine and when we do so, it usually just consumes two pages and I admit skipping them because I hate men. I've always hated men.

As soon as I type his name, my jaw drops when I saw that he has his own Wikipedia. Everything I need to know is there. There are business news but as I scroll down, I left click all sites that are from gossip magazines.

 **CHRISTIAN GREY SPOTTED WITH A STARLET DOWNTOWN**

 **SUPERMODEL: CHRISTIAN GREY DUMPED ME AFTER ONE NIGHT**

 **CHRISTIAN GREY: I DON'T DATE**

 **CHRISTIAN GREY, THE MAN WHO VOWED NEVER TO GET MARRIED**

 **CHRISTIAN GREY: I AM NOT GAY**

All these articles about Christian being a womanizer makes me feel like I am doing the right decision of ignoring his phone calls and his text messages. I mean, I don't need another man to hurt me in my life. This is really becoming out of hand.

I shut the computer off and just when I grab my red shoulder bag and stand, Hannah knocks on the surface of my cubicle and smiles at me, "Hello, Ana. Are you doing fine?"

"Yes, I am, Hannah. Thanks for asking." She's probably just here to say goodbye for the end of the shift.

"You've been feeling off for the past three days. What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong," I lie.

"Hmmm . . . You know what? You need to get pumped up. I am supposed to attend a party tonight but I have dinner with my son. So I'd like you to represent LUSH for tonight's event. They are launching the newest and high-tech version of a laptop and they made us their media partner so you should be there."

Somehow this excites me. The party tonight will help me forget about Christian.

"Count me in, Hannah."

"Sure, be there at the party hall of Via Hotel."

"Noted!"

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

Working in the journalism industry for years doesn't make me feel so naïve about parties anymore. Sure, I used to be so happy and excited about meeting big people, enjoying events for free, and getting the special treatment. Now it just seems like a normal thing. There are familiar faces.

This includes Clara, a fellow journalist of mine who stopped working because she married a hotshot lawyer.

"You still are my favourite writer, Ana. I was bummed your article wasn't published on the column for this month's issue."

Damn! That strikes my ego.

I conceal the hurt and say, "It's fine, Hannah. That intern's article is . . . dope, anyway."

I expect her to disagree or to laugh since we both hate interns but Clara tells me, "Yes! The article is phenomenal! I love how she made the list! It's like she knows how my husband feels the same way about me. Don't get me wrong, Ana, because I really do love your writing but this intern's article is so much brighter than yours."

"Brighter?"

"Yup, if you were colors, she's gold and you're black. Just saying."

I almost backlash her for that comment but somebody clears his throat and when I look at that person, I wanted nothing more but to run away and hail a cab and hide in a cave forever. It's Christian Grey. What is he doing here?

"What are you doing here?!"

"The two of you know each other?" Clara asks.

"Wait, you know Christian, Clara?" This seems weird. I assume she's another girl he fucked before. After all, men are pigs. They see someone fuckable and they go for it.

Christian answers, "Yes, she is my good friend's wife."

Clara replies, "True, Ana. We always meet in occasions like this. And you know what? When Dexter proposed to me, Christian was the one who played the guitar in the background. He has a nice voice and every Anniversary, Dex and I always ask him to sing."

For some reason, that puts me to shame. Clara's very in love with Dexter and Christian's so supportive. What is wrong with me?

"I will leave you be. Dexter is calling me," Clara leaves and once again, I am left with Christian.

He still has that same personality with his overconfident aura and smug smile. His hand rakes through his unruly copper hair and I try my best not to swoon over the natural beauty he is.

"Are you stalking me, Ana? First, in the museum and now in this party? If you want to see me, you can just answer my calls and reply to my messages," he was sarcastic but I can see how he's hitting me.

"You are the one who is stalking me, Christian."

"Whoa! Well, can we just call it . . . what's the word Kate and Elliott use? Serendipity? Maybe we're meant to see each other?"

I shake my head again and again. This is so unbelievable! How can this man believe that I have been chasing after him? In fact, I have been avoiding him! Why is he so overconfident? Ugh! I hate him.

Christian smiles, "Look, I got to admit that I was hurt when you wouldn't let me cuddle you."

There are three things that make me freeze inside when he said that. It's like I am put into this new world where his smile is sad and his eyes are too. The weight of his words feels heavy and I am finding it hard to conceal the hurt I feel too.

I open my mouth to speak but he cuts me off. What bothers me is that he tells it to me as if it is a casual matter—as if it's just a business deal.

"Ana, I do admit that I am falling for you. I admit that I want to be with you all the time. But just like you, I don't want a relationship too. I am enjoying the middle part because there's no commitment and the sex is awesome. Guess what? The feelings are mutual."

Isn't this what I wanted?

Isn't this what makes me want to stay?

Why do I feel so hurt then?

Christian smiles and it is a look that hides something within him, "Yeah, you're right. Relationships are such a waste. I mean, can't we just love without getting hurt? So I got to tell you this Ana, I am falling for you but I brought a parachute."

I am tongue-tied. I cannot even move.

To make matters worse, a woman who looks like a goddess in her glittering silver gown stands next to Christian and gives him a kiss on the cheek. She hooks arms with him and eyes me from head to toe, brow creased up so high, it looks like a hill.

"I am Andrea, Christian's date tonight and I am a well-known supermodel. Who are you?"

Tears are about to fall from my eyes but I cannot let anybody do this to me. I take a deep breath and recall that my chest is made out of steel. I am hurt but I am used to it. If Christian can be this hard then I can be too. I won't let anybody feel like they've made me weak.

I put on my brightest smile and shake her hands in a super friendly way.

"Andrea, you are so beautiful. You really look good together with Christian. I am Anastasia Steele, LUSH's columnist. You know, the biggest women's magazine in the country. You said you're a well-known supermodel? That's weird because I haven't seen you anywhere. I've never really heard your name."

"Excuse me?!" she looks so furious with me and I give myself a pat on the back.

Christian's face is bewildered. See, Christian? You don't mess with me.

"Oh and you two, enjoy the party, okay? And Andrea? Christian loves to take women from behind. He can ride you so well! Goodbye! Have a good time fucking!"

I walk out but as soon as I step out of the party scene, tears fall freely from my eyes. See? He isn't even worth it at all.

I take the elevator and when the doors close, I sink down the ground and cried like a baby. Christian's image plus a hookup named Andrea made me feel like I am not special at all.

And then I finally admit to myself why I was so scared that night, it's because the look in his eyes? The look filled with love?

It mirrored mine.

 **AN:**

 **Yikes! We really have prideful characters here and I don't like the two of them right now. But I like you all. No, I love you! Thanks for all the support you've given me. What can you say?**

 **Margo.**


	8. Part 1 Chapter 8: Graceless

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 1**

 **Chapter 8**

 **Graceless**

" **Every night, I live and die, feel the party to my bones.**

 **Watch the wasters blow the speakers**

 **Spill my guts beneath the outdoor light**

 **It's just another graceless night."**

 **~Perfect Places, Lorde**

I see images in my head that cut straight through my heart. Ever since the event last night, I couldn't get my mind off of it. It's like I am going crazy and there's nothing I can do about it. I guess it's time to drown those thoughts to the sea of amnesia while I dive into a champagne ocean.

I am in the club. This is the place where lights of different colors illuminate the dance floors as the sweats of people mix together while they get lost in a dance. There are drinks drowning their memories away. All the screams and fun and cheers? This isn't happiness. This is just pretence.

Maybe I do belong here.

Dancing to the rhythm of the DJ, I try to bury those images away.

 **I see Christian kissing Andrea all over her skin and she moaning in pleasure.**

I take one shot of tequila and I feel it burning in my throat.

 **There is an image of the two of them getting lost in the push and pull of their hips.**

And again, I take a second shot.

 **The images get instead as the two of them are on the height of their lovemaking.**

Third shot it is then.

 **Everything becomes worse when they cuddle after the intense sex they've had.**

And there goes my fourth shot.

"Woo!" I exclaim after hissing at the burning sensation caused by the drink. This isn't working out. I have to make more efforts. I've been drinking to forget them but all I can do is remember. Shit! I've turned into a sore loser.

Then it's time for me to take on the dance floor. I hear the beat and they are louder than my heart. My hands are all over the air and I'm completely wasted. I cannot see clearly now. My sight is blurred and the lights just turn into figments. People are flashing by and their movements look like flashes of lights. And through it all, I see Andrea and Christian.

Somebody touches my waist and when I turn around, it's a guy I don't know. He isn't attractive at all. Even if he is, I will not let him touch me. I'm not in a mood right now.

"Let me go," my words slur but they're still understandable.

"We got a drunk chick here, huh? Let me take you home."

"I said no," I pull away from his grasp but he grabs my waist again to pull me closer. The way he gripped me was mean, insensitive, and hurtful. I moaned in pain.

"Let me take you home. We will have sex and—"

"NO!"

I interrupt him and I expect him to get away or get lost but he disrespects me when he tries to kiss my lips. I turn away but he was forceful.

"SHE SAID NO!" A very angry voice screamed. And before I knew it, the DJ stopped the rhythm of the music and everybody's eyes were on us. The two guys are beating each other up in the middle of the dance floor. I look closer and it's Christian! He was punching him again and again.

"No one touches my girl, okay? NO ONE!" The evil dude's nose is bleeding and I cheer for that. Hooray! I grab the drink from somebody next to me and grab another drink.

Taylor breaks the fight between Christian and the evil dude. No, he looks like an evil dragon now and Christian is the prince. Ooh! I feel like a princess! Am I drunk now? No, I'm not!

When Taylor took care of the evil dude along with the club security men, the music resumes and Christian comes over to my direction. He grabs me by the wrist and pulls me outside of the club.

He rants while doing so.

"Ana, don't you ever do this again! What would've happened if I weren't here, huh? You could've been raped. You could've been hurt! You could've . . . you could've . . ." He gets emotional as his fingers run through his hair.

He whispers with such vulnerability, "I could have lost you."

I look at him and it just sends a feeling inside my heart. It is very warm and overwhelming. It's something I've never felt before.

Then, he grabs my face and kisses me over and over again but never on the lips. I swear that he's so mad he almost wants to cry, "Never do that to me again, baby, alright? Please never do. I can't stand the thought of losing you."

I cough a little and speak, "Christian."

I sound like a freak.

"Christian . . ." I grab him by the neck and I press my forehead against his and we are seeing eye to eye. I open my eyes as wide as they can before laughing like a witch. This seems so fun! Ha-ha-ha!

My words are slurry and my hands are gesturing wobbly but I speak, "You are player! You are a cheater! You brought a date that night?! For heaven's sake, you are a man! You are a man, Christian! But you saved me tonight!"

I laugh again.

"You're my hero!"

I laugh and laugh while feeling like the heat is becoming overpowering. I attempt to take off my shirt but he stops me.

"Ana, baby, no. No, okay? You only do that when I'm the only one who can see."

"Huh? Right . . . right . . ."

"How drunk are you?"

"I am not drunk. I am a princess! You are a prince and that man? Oh no no . . . that was a dragon! A dragon! But you know what else is a dragon? YOUR PENIS!"

I laugh and I see him smile a little before saying, "You are very drunk, okay."

I don't know but words are escaping my mouth and I have no way to control them. I slap him and he gasps.

"That is for fucking Andrea, alright? You know what? I am falling for you, Christian. I am falling so fast that it is so scary."

His voice turns solemn, "Why are you scared?"

"Because you are a man! You could be like my Dad or Jose!"

"I don't know what they did to you but I'd rather we talk about it when you're sober. But whatever it is that they've done, I want you to know that I won't hurt you. I love you, Ana."

I love hearing that. He loves me.

He pulls me tenderly until our foreheads touch.

"Do you love me?" He asks.

I open my mouth to say what I feel.

But when I do so, I puked at his suit.

"Alright, let's get you home."

He carries me bridal style and then I whisper, "My hero" before everything turns black.

 **Author's Note:**

 **This chapter is intentionally short. Don't worry. This will be my last update of the week. See you next week for the next chapter. What do you think?**

 **Thank you!**

 **Margo.**


	9. Part 1 Chapter 9: Try

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 1**

 **Chapter 9**

 **Try**

" **Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame. Where there is flame, someone's bound to get burned. But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die. You gotta get up and try and try and try."**

 **~ Pink, Try**

There is a pounding ache in my head upon waking up. My eyes open to a blurry sight. Everything is like a bad reception of my old favourite TV show. This is probably the worst hangover I've ever had. I slowly pull myself up to sit down and I realize that I'm in Christian's place?

 _Wait, in Christian's place?!_

I check my clothes and I've already changed to his baggy shirt. My panties are still on which means nothing happened. But whatever, we have done it before so I'm not freaking out about that. I'm only freaking out because our "middle" arrangement hasn't been clear yet.

Recalling what happened the night before, I shake my head. Seriously, I am such a mess. I recall getting so drunk and wasted. There was this guy who tried to get a hold of me no matter how hard I pushed him not to. I remember Christian rummaging him like a bull. He was so drunk. It's so crazy. Then, the vision of what happened after came like a much blurry experience.

I look at the bedside table and there's this folded yellow paper Christian left. I reach out and open it. His penmanship is wobbly and inconsistent. However, it's comprehensible.

It read:

 **Ana, I'm really sorry I can't be with you when you wake up. I have a client to meet and it's really important. You should go downstairs because I cooked breakfast for you. Oh, Gail cooked and I mostly told her what I think you'd like.**

 **I want to tell you this in person but here it goes. I want you to know that I meant every word I said to you last night. You're used to alcohol so I know you won't forget what I told you.**

 **I want you to know that Andrea is my personal assistant whom I hired to be my date to make you jealous. I had this unintelligent idea where I wanted to do the reverse psychology with you. I just thought you'd admit your feelings for me if you see me with another girl.**

 **But Ana, I love you and let's just give it a try. I'll be going to Belgium for a business trip tomorrow and I'll be back on Elliott and Kate's wedding. I'll be staying in my place in Redmond tonight until 7 pm before I go for another meeting. So please meet me before 7? And when you meet me, it means you want to try?**

 **I love you, Ana.**

 **Here is my address.**

Upon seeing the address he wrote, my eyes are shut closed. I instantly remembered what happened last night at the club. Before embarrassingly puking all over him, I remember him confessing to me. I remember all those familiar words.

I press the yellow paper to my chest as I feel tears forming in my eyes. How can this happen to me again? I have sworn that I am strong enough not to feel. Love only brings hurt. It only destroys us. How can I still want it? My brain tells me to run off and pretend Christian and I never happened. But my heart is another story. It tells me that I should be with Christian forever, even though it will bring me pain along the way.

My stomach grumbles. I get up and walk downstairs to find a table full of breakfast food. I amble my way towards it, feeling so shocked. There are different kinds of breakfast food: Asian, European, American, and everything I can think of.

Then a classy woman with hair pulled up in a bun appears. This must be Gail.

"Hello Ana! I am Gail. Christian told me to cook these for you."

"Uhm . . . I cannot eat them all."

She smiles, "I told him about that but he just wants you to have a good day and have a lot of options for what you're about to eat."

"Okay," I smile involuntarily before sitting down.

Then I realize that it's been years since I've felt this way—since I've felt like someone's taking care of me.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

"You are my favourite writer, Ana," the intern called April told me. I just give her my fake smile. I don't even know why she's here in the staff meeting. Well, I bet she's going to have the article written since what I'll write will be for next month's issue.

April doesn't really get that I don't like her because she continues blubbering how my articles are written so well and how she looks forward to reading my column every month. Well, it's hers now, right? I feel like an old woman who is about to be replaced by someone younger.

Hannah enters the conference room and brings her exuberant personality. She talks about the sales and how they're so good. She tells very corny jokes and we pretend they're funny because she's the boss. I tap my pen over and over again. I may be here physically but my mind is elsewhere. It's caught in a tug-of-war between trying for Christian or not.

If I try with Christian, I'll be hurt. Yes, he will try to give me everything but love is just fiery in the beginning, right? It's just going to die down when you're older. People will always get tired of each other and that's pretty much it. He will get tired of me because what's to love about me really?

So I shouldn't go.

I uncomfortably listen to Hannah.

"Staff, we have April Gallo here who has been a good intern. Her article was published last month and it was well-received by our readers. Now April, you're writing this month's issue too and it's about boys. Tell us, how are you so good about boys? Come on, go ahead and share your story."

April stands up and it's pretty obvious she's new because she's so shy.

"Hello! I am April Gallo. I am taking up journalism and it is part of our curriculum to be in an internship. I am so fortunate to be here because LUSH is such a huge media company and I am a typical girl who loves makeup and boys and fashion.

Okay, the article I wrote for last month's issue was inspired by my husband. Yes, I am 21 but I'm already married. We married when two years ago. I was just 19 and he was too. Before, I was really hesitant to be with him because he has quite a reputation. He skips from one girl to another. I bet I'll just be one of his testers. But, I searched for signs first and I'm glad I did. We're so happy now and it's overwhelming."

I stare at her and she's so in love with him. She's so in love that it makes me want to go to Christian now.

April continues, "Things aren't perfect between us. Well, it will never be. But that's how you know it's love, right? Because you still stay despite the imperfections?"

"Why did you give him a chance? What made you . . . _try_?"

She seems surprised when I asked a question.

April then replied something that sink into me deeply, "Because if I never tried, I will forever wonder how it would feel like to be with him. To live in what if's is more painful than the hurtful what is."

Without any doubt, I tell everybody, "I need to go now."

"Huh? Where are you going?!" Hannah was shocked but I cared less. I run out of the conference room and check my wristwatch. It's already 6:45 and I need to drive to Redmond now.

As I exit the building, the rain was pouring hard and I make my way to my car.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

Typing Christian's Redmond address in my GPS, I am led to the road. The rain makes it hard to see but I don't care. I just need to see him right now.

The red light annoys me. It further delays my chances of catching him before his meeting. I tap my feet uncomfortably. This should just be a 20 minute drive but because of the rain and traffic, it can be up to 40. I curse under my breath upon checking that it's already 7:10 p.m. but I won't give up.

When the light hits green, I immediately speed up to his address. I don't know how this is going to go. I'm surely going to wound up getting hurt but I guess April's correct, maybe it will get more painful if I'll forever wonder how it would feel like.

My GPS tells me that I've reached the address and I curse even more when I see that I'm already fifteen minutes late. I head out of the car not caring that the rain is pouring hard. Christian's place is a bungalow with glass walls. No light has turned on. I guess he has left already. My heart sinks to the ground and my tears camouflage with the rain.

I stand before the house the rain pouring harder and the thunder angering above me. I'm soaked in my office attire and I just don't know. A million thoughts enter my head. Should I go to his meeting? Should I stop his flight?

All of a sudden, it's raining but I don't feel it pouring over me anymore. I look up and there's a black umbrella overhead. I turn around and I gasp in pure joy when I see him—when I see Christian covering us both from the rain.

"Christian," I breathe his name.

He smiles with sentimental grey eyes, "Something told me to come back."

Not caring about his suit getting soaked, I pulled him in for the tightest embrace. I grab him by the face and give him a chaste kiss. Our lips press together. He lets go of the umbrella, getting both of us wet. I don't care though. He's cupping both of my face now as we engage in a passionate kiss.

When I pull away, I say the bravest thing I ever did since Jose broke my heart, "I will try."

He leads me inside his place.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Ana's turning brave now. Four chapters to go and we are going to part two of the story. This story will have two parts and will have 23 chapters.**

 **Thank you for reading!**

 **What do you think?**

 **Margo.**


	10. Part 1 Chapter 10: Disappear

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 1**

 **Chapter 10**

 **Disappear**

" **I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done and wake up to your face against the morning sun. But like everything I've ever known, you'll disappear one day so I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away."**

 **~Brandi Carlile, Hiding my Heart**

Christian leads me inside his Redmond bungalow and as the lights turn on, I admire the beauty inside. The lights illuminate the modern architecture. There are paintings on the wall and everything is just neat and tidy. Of course, he has a lot of places to stay in. He is a CEO of a multi-billion company for heaven's sake!

He intertwines his fingers around mine before leading me upstairs. He opens the nearest door and it's his room. He grabs two shirts from his closet and hands one to me. We are already comfortable with each other, so we take our wet clothes off each other. I take a quick bath and when I'm all dried up, I wear his big shirt and though oversized, it fits me perfectly.

As I come out, he's already lying down the bed and I slowly make my way to lie down beside him. We lie on our sides, face to face, not saying anything—not saying a word at all. When he reaches out to grab my hand, there is an intimacy.

It frightened me and made me feel happy all at once.

He wraps his fingers around mine but I never wrap mine with his. They remain open.

Sensing my hesitancy, he gives me a sad smile and says, "When I first saw you in the club, I thought you were so beautiful. You were wasted yet so beautiful. You were a wonderful mess and it just drew me in."

"Oh? I thought you liked me for my sexpertise?" I lazily joke.

He laughs a little too, "My attraction intensified when I discovered that you're so good in bed."

I smile a little before turning serious, "So you weren't drunk that night too?"

"No, I wasn't. Sober or drunk, I was attracted to you."

I close my eyes and remind him, "You have a meeting and flight tomorrow."

"I cancelled the meeting and the flight's at five in the morning. I still have this night with you." Then he grabs my hand and kisses each of my knuckles.

I pull my hand away from him, feeling the panic.

He then asks me, "What happened to you, Ana? Tell me what happened. Why are you so scared?"

I remain silent.

"What are you so scared of?"

"I'm scared you'll disappear," I barely whisper.

"Why would I disappear? Tell me . . . please tell me."

Resisting his begging is the hardest thing I could do.

I used to not talk about this anymore. I used to bury them all in the past. What I've experienced wouldn't be remembered. They would long be forgotten. All these band-aids covering the wounds on the edge of my heart are removed. I tell Christian everything.

"When I was young, my father would sing songs to me. We would always sing 'Can't Help Falling in Love' because that's how he feels about my mother. He would always tell me that they're destined together. When I was nine, he divorced Mom and left her for another woman. I wasn't okay. I never was. I heard Mom cry at night and it was nothing to Dad. He lived with that woman and I had a stepsister.

Mom wasn't the same. She used to be joyous and colorful but she turned into a workaholic who brought men at home. Then, when I was ten, I went out with my Dad and my stepsister and I could never ever forget how he could only afford one doll. He bought that doll and gave it to her. It became evident that he loved her more than he loved me. He started comparing me with her. He insisted how she's so smart unlike me. She's so amazing unlike me. She's so creative and social unlike me. She was everything he was looking for in a daughter."

I didn't even know that I was crying.

Christian moves closer so he could lock me in for an embrace.

"I remember how he changed. Dad who loved music turned into this man who wouldn't even touch his guitar. One time I asked him to play our favourite song and he claimed that it didn't mean anything anymore. That was the day I shuddered and ceased to believe that love could stay. I took his guitar and lived with my mother. He tried to reach out . . . rarely but I didn't care.

Mom died when I was fifteen and I was only in touch with him because he was sending me money. When I graduated high school, I cut off all contacts from him."

Tears are falling like waterfalls and Christian's eyes glimmer while wiping each of them away.

"I told myself that every man is like my father. I told myself that I should never fall in love because men will only leave me."

With a hopeless broken voice I say, "I'm never enough."

Christian opens his mouth to disagree I already cut him off.

"Of course, that is not the only story. When I was nineteen, I broke the laws I set to myself when I met Jose Rodriguez. He was this classmate who had an eye for photography. My college life became significant because of him. We met, we fell in love, and it's probably because he made me feel like I'm enough.

It was a serious and deep relationship. He was my first everything. When we were twenty-two, we moved in together and it was the best year of my life. I thought he was the one. I thought we had it all figured out. Then . . ."

"Then?" Christian pushed with a grim voice.

Then I just crack. My voice becomes entirely different. I sob, letting all the pain out.

"I lost our child. It was miscarriage. I was two months pregnant and I didn't know. If I'd only known, I would've taken care of her. I expected Jose to be distraught. I expected him to cry with me. I expected that we would go through pain together. But of course, I went through it alone because Jose didn't even care. When I told him about the death of our unborn baby, he breathed out a sigh of relief. He said, 'Thank God! Or else I would have given up photography!'"

Christian can't catch all the tears now. He was frozen by the revelation.

"Of course, it crushed me. I went ballistic. I admit I was impulsive but that was so hurtful. How could he be grateful that we lost our child? I made him leave our apartment and I haven't seen him since he travelled around the world for his photography."

"And then?" I can see Christian's hands turn into fists.

"We met again 2 years ago. We were twenty-four. It seemed like destiny, you know. We were in the same café in Seattle. I thought destiny brought us together. We spent a whole week together. We didn't have sex or anything physically intimate. We talked and talked about our secrets, plans, and dreams and that was my most intimate. Then, I thought we were back together. I stupidly thought that we were getting married. He brought me to this wedding store and made me wear a gown. He bought it and I thought we would be together but then he said . . ."

"What did he say?"

I quote what Jose said word per word, "Ana, I'm getting married next month. You and my fiance have the same size so I thought you'd be the perfect model for her gown. Thanks for the week."

"That motherfucker!" Christian screams on top of his lungs.

I just cry and press my face to his chest. I pull him closer and tears pour down as I recall all the events from my past that led me to become this cold-hearted monster.

Christian doesn't say anything. He listens to my crying. He kisses my wet face from time to time. I fall asleep, pretty sure my eyes will be swollen when I wake up.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

I don't know what time is it but I woke up when Christian's finger languidly trace my pussy.

The rain is pouring hard outside and the green trees are swaying behind the glass walls. Christian's lips are on my neck and they give me sensual kisses. Regardless of how tired I am, I moan. His fingers work like magic on me down there.

Then he takes off his shirt on me and I take his off too. I move the direction of my head and search for his lips in the dark. When I finally find it, our lips move slowly and passionately together, tongues swirling and dancing like they perfectly fit.

His fingers move faster and I pull away from our deep kiss to moan his name. Before I reach my orgasm, Christian moves on top of me, kisses both of my breasts and sucking each nipple with much passion. He plunges deep into me and this is very much different from all of our sex before.

This time, we don't rush. This is not fucking. This is making love. He moves slowly in and out while I keep up with the pace. He thrusts back and forth, again and again, telling me that there is heaven here on earth.

My fingers are all over his copper hair and our eyes are wide open, facing each other with such passion and vulnerability.

"Anastasia, come with me."

"Christian . . ."

"Anastasia . . ."

"Christian!"

Then we come together.

He rests his entirety above me, careful not to slam his full weight. It just fits. He is everywhere. I feel him.

Then he utters the biggest words somebody could say, "I'll never disappear."

Despite all the pain in the past and cowardice that crept within me, this time I chose to be brave. I didn't say anything. I didn't say a word. I just wrapped my fingers around his.

And in that moment, I felt enough.

 **Author's Note:**

 **I was so emotional writing this chapter, guys. You have no idea.**

 **Thank you for your warm response for Somewhere in the Middle.**

 **How do you feel about this chapter?**

 **Margo.**


	11. Part 1 Chapter 11: Here

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 1**

 **Chapter 11**

 **Here**

" **I never minded being on my own but something broke in me and I wanted to go home—to be where you are. But even closer to you, you seem so very far."**

 **~Florence + the Machine, Wish You Were Here**

It's four in the morning and we're sitting on the hood of Christian's car while his employees are getting his private jet ready for his business trip in Belgium.

Just by the thought of Christian going to Belgium alone makes me tremble in fear. It feels like my whole body is shaking and I can't do anything about it.

"Hey, are you okay?" Christian asks me tenderly after Taylor hands him a box and two drinks. He hands me one and I check on it and it's coffee. This seems perfect because it's very cold. The place looks wet as the rain left its mark on the ground.

He opens the box and I get excited when he flashes the six doughnuts inside. They are glazed and some have sprinkles. Of course, I want the chocolate one because it looks the tastiest. Christian laughs when he sees me clapping my hands together like an overjoyed kid.

"You like doughnuts, huh?"

I just nod while chewing the doughnut. Somehow the anxiety creeping up inside me was minimized. He moves closer to me wrapping me around his arms. He is already in his suit and I look pretty haggard in my now-dry outfit.

We are holding hands while eating doughnuts and drinking coffee and it just feels so surreal. I can't even fathom how it happened. One minute I was trying to get away from him but I went to Redmond and we made love and here we are now. It all happened in just a span of few hours.

How long does it really take to fall in love? Is it hours? Minutes? Seconds? Do we fall in love in a blink of an eye or do we fall so gradually, sometimes in turtle's pace? But when I look at our fingers intertwining, I realize that it doesn't really matter. What's a thousand years without getting to hold his five fingers?

What's holding me back is the fact that we fall in love fast and we could fall into heartbreak just as fast too. What if I'm falling too fast and I get hurt too fast?

My train of thought is put to a halt when Christian presses an innocent kiss on my temples. I turn to look at him and flash him the sweetest smile I can manage. He is on his second doughnut and he's awkwardly lifting it to the air.

The doughnut is glazed, just plain and simple and it has a hole in the middle unlike the Bavarian cream filled I just ate.

Christian gives me a grin when he hands his doughnut to me saying, "You make me hole again."

I laugh at that. He is such a witty man. I can't help but giggle at the joke. I take the doughnut from him and my teeth sinks in for the first bite.

Then, he turns serious when he says, "But it's true, Ana. Don't laugh. I'm whole again because of you."

Our gazes lock together and that's when I know that he really means what he says. I am tongue-tied in the moment. So I lean forward to press a gentle kiss against his soft red lips. He turns it into a passionate one. Our lips dance together. When his tongue begs for entrance, I almost open mine but somebody clears his throat. The two of us pull away.

"Excuse me, Sir and Ma'am but the jet plane is ready."

That's when Christian and I step our feet on the ground and he is back to business mode. He begins talking to his employees in a way that a CEO should be respectful. He is a boss when it comes to them. I feel lucky to feel his childlike side.

When Taylor nods with every instruction he gave, Christian turns to me to say goodbye but I immediately wrap my arms around his body. I press our bodies together and I hold on like forever. I feel like he is saying goodbye permanently.

He pulls back from our embrace but I don't. He cups my cheeks and gives me a kiss on the forehead then on my nose all the way to chin. I pout when he skips my lips.

"You're acting like I'm going to be in Belgium forever. I'm coming back next week on Elliott and Kate's wedding."

I don't say anything when he presses his lips on mine tenderly, chastely, and lovingly.

"I love you, Ana."

He says before I watch him get on board with the jet plane. I feel a tear running down the side of my face when the jet plane takes off.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

"You are unusually quiet and you're acting like you're on your period. What gives, Ana? Come on!"

Kate and I are jogging in the park and I do agree when she says that. I am not in the best of my moods. It's been three days since Christian went to Belgium. Of course, I know he is busy but I am not okay at all.

My best friend presses, "I am not trying to dictate how you should feel but I am just worried because I know that something is wrong. You told me that you are willing to try with Christian and I feel happy because for once, you're giving yourself a chance to be happy but what gives?"

I stop jogging then I sit on the bench. Kate sits on my right side.

"Kate, I miss him," I whisper vulnerably.

"You miss him? That's why you're acting this way?"

I turn quiet then. It's like there's a flood inside of me that's been dying to come out. I've been hiding this feeling for three days now. I mean, I tell my cat about it but we know how it goes. All I hear is "Meow" in response.

"Tell me, Ana."

"He is cheating on me, Kate."

Kate pulls back completely dumbfounded of what I said. "What in the world are you talking about? Ana, WHAT?!"

"He is cheating on me in Belgium! I know it! I know it, Kate. He is cheating on me! Why wouldn't he text or call or video chat?"

"Ana, you are being unreasonable here. Christian is on a business trip, okay? He is doing business in Belgium which means he is really busy and he doesn't have the time to do so. You know that he has Belgian clients, right? He has to spend time with them in full concentration!"

I am such a mess. My hands cover my face as I complain in despair, "Kate, I don't know but all I can think about is him holding hands with another girl. That girl has bigger boobs and huger butt and he's having sex with her and he will me and—"

I don't even get to finish my sentence because I start to cry. Kate doesn't say anything. She just sooths my back with her palm. I'm shaking and my skin is turning red. It feels like I'm a volcano that burst out its lava after ten years of being dormant. I am locked in my thoughts where Christian is enjoying his time with a girl in Belgium.

Then, my phone rings and I check. It's Christian with a text message. Kate reads his text too.

 **From: Christian**

 **Hey, just done with a heavy meeting and now we have another meeting. Oh well. I hope you're doing good there. I miss you.**

Kate grabs my hands when she says, "Anastasia Steele, listen to me, he just sent you a text message saying he is just busy. He went there with colleagues. He's there for work and it's not a vacation. He will be back in four days. Ana, I have to tell you this: Christian is not your father and neither is he Jose."

I wipe my tears at that.

"You have major trust issues and I guess we have trust issues too at some point but yours is getting out of hand. It is killing you. As your best friend, I am telling you that you should have therapy. Maybe you should have medical advice for this."

"Are you saying I'm crazy?"

Her voice turns even more tender, "Of course not, Ana. I am not saying you are. I just want you to be okay. I mean, getting drunk in clubs when something bad happens? Major mood swings? Paranoid thoughts? Ana, this is not healthy anymore."

I tell her, "I'll think about it. Thanks Kate."

Then, I take a deep breath and composed myself once more. I find myself replying to Christian, "I wish that you were here."

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

I keep thinking deeply about what Kate said. Do I really need help? Do I really need to meet up with a psychiatrist for this? I mean, have I really gotten this low? I assess myself and I cringe just by thinking about my clubbing days and how I'd wake up puking and on someone's bed.

My cat purrs and she sits on my lap.

"Do I really need to go to a shrink?"

She meows.

I sigh out loud.

Then my doorbell rings and I wonder who it is. I stand up to open the door and my heart skips a beat when I see Christian.

"Christian," I gasp. The wedding is two days away but he's still here.

"The business meeting was cut short. My company impressed the clients just within five days. I literally just arrived and . . . I miss you."

He has a bigger box and I give him a questioning look.

Christian opens it, "Belgian doughnuts, for a girl who makes me whole."

I guess that's become our inner joke now.

I let him inside my apartment and when he sets up the box of doughnuts on the table, I wrap my arms around him from behind.

In the quiet of the night, I tell him, "You make me whole too."

 **Author's Note:**

 **Thank you for all of your reactions last chapter. I've been busy this week, it's so crazy. What do you think of this chapter?**

 **Thank you!**

 **Margo.**


	12. Part 1 Chapter 12: Funny

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 1**

 **Chapter 12**

 **Funny**

" **Every time I fall in love, I go fuck it up right when it feels good. Don't you think it's funny?"**

 **~Sasha Sloan, Runaway**

This is the biggest day for Kate and as her best friend, I am going to write an article about this and it will be published in LUSH. It's not in my column because April is still going to be the one to write. Kate's page will be in another feature page. I'm really not comfortable writing outside of my page but at least it's better than not having to publish an issue at all.

Speaking of April, she's here in the wedding to take the photos. I'm not really bitter about her anymore so I'm nice enough to take her to Kate's dressing room.

"You look so beautiful, Kate!"

April can't help but gush. I totally understand why. Kate's blonde hair is pulled up in a bun and her wedding gown is laced up but the back is bare. If you look into the smaller details of the lower part of the dress, they are flowers intricately sewn. Her bouquet is made of freesia and white roses and it makes her more immaculate.

"I bet you really looked pretty in your wedding too, April. You married young?"

She nods her head and says, "I married young but that was the best decision of my life! It wasn't as grand as this. He isn't rich but I was the happiest girl. It was simple but beautiful."

I smile at that. Kate then talks about Elliott and this is the event where I actually don't have to take notes to write an article. I know about the two of them already and it's just amazing how fate really brought them together. Especially the money part when Kate wrote her name and Elliott got it.

April shifts the conversation to me when she says, "I am guessing you're going to marry Christian Grey?"

I am too shocked. Is this intern stalking me?!

She must have noticed my shocked expression because she explained herself. "You came here together and it's not hard to guess that he's already your boyfriend. I mean, the way he looks at you? It's like he's being surrounded by gold. My husband looks at me that way. Trust me; that is definitely true love."

"I agree with her," Kate says and for a moment, I consider marriage not to be so bad especially when it's with Christian.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

I am not the one to get married right now but I am sweating. Christian and I haven't really put a label on it so I don't have to meet his parents, right? They are here and although they look nice, they look really rich and it's so intimidating.

We're inside the cathedral and I am standing by Kate's side while Christian on his. I meet Mia, his sister and she's really crazy. I like her because she doesn't hold anything back.

Across us are Christian and Ethan, the groomsmen.

Mia tells me, "My brother's been staring at you the whole time. You must be the girl he's been talking about."

"Huh?" I suddenly feel strange. He talks about me to his sister?

"Anastasia? Yes, he told me that he's done hopping girls now and treating love like trash because he's found you. What a corny thing to say but hey, my brother hasn't felt that way for too long now. And probably, he's never felt this way before."

"Okay . . ." I feel awkward for some reason. Are Christian and I really official?

Mia then leans closer to whisper in my ear, "Do you think Ethan Kavanaugh is single? Do you know him?"

Ethan's kind of a nerd and I don't find him attractive at all. No offense to Kate, but his father looks like the male and unattractive version of her. He is standing awkwardly next to Christian, making him look more unattractive.

"I know Ethan and I don't think he's dating anyone." I think he's a virgin.

"Do you think he's good in bed?"

"WHAT?!" I scream and the priest's words are cut off. Elliott and Kate glare at me and the crowd gets confused. This is embarrassing! I mouthed sorry to the crowd and in the corner of my eye, Christian is laughing so hard.

The priest continues asking Elliott and Kate some questions and I whisper this time, "I don't think he's had sex ever."

"Well, I'll be his first." The confidence? The bravery? The cockiness? She really is Christian Grey's sister.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

It's the wedding reception and I am sitting in the Kavanaugh table. I am really close to their family. I've always felt like they're the family I wish I had. What's weird is that Mia is making advances with Ethan and he's uncomfortable. This is really weird.

Christian's in the next table with his parents and I still haven't talked to them or I'm avoiding to. Whatever. I just grab another drink to forget the nerves I'm feeling.

As expected, Elliott gave a speech about meeting Kate in Madrid and how they're always destined for each other because of the one dollar bill Kate wrote her name on and Elliott has kept for years. He shows off the same bill and everybody's amazed. April who sits right next to me is acting like she has witnessed the most romantic thing ever.

"I love you, Kate. I think I've loved you even before I met you. Maybe that's why I held on to this."

Kate is crying and I smile at that. She's happy now and I guess I've always been wrong in making her feel like her relationship with Elliott is bound to end.

When it's Christian's turn to speak, I feel my heart skip a beat.

With his charming personality and lighter aura, he starts speaking, "Good day to all of you! This is not a good day to my brother, of course. In fact, it's the best day for him. Kate, welcome to the family. I hope you will endure how smelly my brother's fart is."

Everyone laughs and Kate agrees screaming, "He has the worst fart!"

"Hey!" Elliott whines like a kid.

Everybody laughs even more.

When the laughter dies down, Christian smiles and continues speaking, "That's the funny thing about love. It's funny how Kate chose to marry Elliott despite the fact that he farts a lot and it's so smelly. Kate married him despite his crankiness and impatience at work. She married him even though he forgets to brush his teeth sometimes. Bro, forgive me. I just want to piss you off!"

Elliott raises his middle finger and I see their parents shaking their heads at how crazy they are.

"Bro, I know I'm acting like a complete ass right now but I want you to know that you've been there for me since everything. You've been there when I was so down and I couldn't have gone through it without you. The fondest memory I had with this brother of mine was when he dragged me into an empty beach just so I could scream my frustrations. He made me write what I feel in a bottle and throw it in the ocean. I was fine afterwards. I felt okay. Bro, you shitty dude who has a smelly fart, thank you!"

I suddenly get confused. What is that darkest moment of his life? Is it with a . . . girl? I recall him telling me once that he was cheated on. I get a lump on my throat. If that is the case then I don't want to know. I suddenly fear that maybe he still loves her.

Then, Christian turns serious and there is something so solemn about the way his grey eyes speak. He is looking directly into my soul and I feel the chills. There is something about his gaze that could go on forever.

"Love is a funny thing. It comes to you when you least expect it. It changes you and you don't even know it. Love? Like Kate and Elliott show it? It's all about 'despites'. It's all about staying DESPITE flaws. It's all about holding on DESPITE the difficulties. It's all about risking everything DESPITE getting hurt."

I feel my heart beat faster. It feels like he's addressing it directly to me.

"To Elliott and Kate, congratulations!"

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

Christian and I are dancing while Kate and Elliott are busy entertaining the guests. I haven't danced this way in so long. For years, my dance consisted of getting drunk and getting wasted under the heavy lights.

"Your sister's quite a bad girl, isn't she?" Mia is dancing with Ethan who seems to be enjoying his time now.

Christian snickers, "If she wants something, she goes and gets it."

"You don't say," I smile.

Then, Christian pulls me closer when he says, "You look so beautiful tonight, Ana."

I give him a small smile.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"What did you mean about the darkest moment in your life?"

He answers casually, "It's about the girl who cheated on me years ago. But it doesn't matter anymore now."

Then, fear starts creeping into me. What if he still loves her? What if he still wants her? What if she comes back? There are a lot of what if's now and it's scaring me. I bet Christian's just concealing the hurt he's still feeling deep inside.

I almost reply but his parents interrupt our dance.

"Christian, you didn't have to tell everybody that Elliott farts so badly. Your big brother's embarrassed now," his mother reprimands him. His father, on the other hand, is silent right next to her.

"He deserves it, Mom. By the way, this is Ana, my g—"

"His friend. I am Ana, Christian's friend."

His mother shakes hands with me enthusiastically while I can't even look at Christian.

 **Author's Note:**

 **I know you want to ask about Christian's past and it will be revealed. Thank you to all of your reviews. Your responses are the best!**

 **Thank you!**

 **Margo.**


	13. Part 1 Chapter 13: Beautiful

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 1**

 **Chapter 13**

 **Beautiful**

" **I don't deserve you because I always hurt you then you say the perfect thing: 'You're beautiful, so beautiful to me'." ~ Plumb, Beautiful**

The reception is swinging and everybody seems to be having fun. Here I am constantly ignored by Christian. He is chatting with some fancy looking people while I stand in silence listening to Kate talk about how it feels to tie the knot.

My eyes dart toward Christian from across the room and I can sense that he is mad at me. He's glaring at me. Of course I know why. I am not dumb enough to acknowledge my own stupidity.

We are still in the middle. I guess it is better off that way. I don't want to expect anything from anyone anymore. I end up getting hurt. This is how it must be, right? In order to protect yourself, you must do the hurting first.

Taking another sip of wine, I feel a bothering ache. There is pain inside of me knowing that I've hurt him. This guilt battles with my guard. I don't know but each time I look at him, there is a silent 'I'm Sorry'.

I just don't understand myself.

Focusing on Kate's talk with the ladies, she's talking about babies now. She even considers giving up law school for a while just to raise a baby. I bite my tongue from making comments about their inevitable divorce. Who is she kidding? How can Elliott stay in love with her? How can a man stay in love with a woman forever? That is so impossible.

Mia, on the other hand, dances with Ethan and he looks very uncomfortable. Mia's swaying her hips too sexily that she looks like a hooker. Well, her seduction isn't going too well. How can her parents tolerate this?

That makes me cringe. Thinking about Grace and Carrick makes me squirm. Christian's face looked so different when I introduced myself as his friend.

"Excuse us," I don't even have the time to say anything to the girls. Christian says that while grabbing me by the elbow and practically dragging me outside of the ballroom. We're in a hotel for the reception. A very grand hotel.

There is force in the way he grabs me by my skin.

"Christian, where are we going? Christian, what are you doing?"

He refuses to answer me and drags me inside the elevator. He presses the 23rd floor and once the door closes, he presses me to the wall and slams his lips on mine. His lips meet mine feverishly and it makes my breathing erratic. I open my mouth and our tongues dance together. His hands are all over my body—from my cheeks down to the side of my neck to the side of my breasts and on my waist.

My fingers, on the other hand, are pulling his hair rather too forcefully. We both moan in pleasure while he grunts because of the mixed pain.

The elevator door opens and we pull away from each other. His hands are back on grabbing elbows as he leads me to a room. Swiping the card, he gets me inside and slams the door shut. He does the same thing back in the elevator—kissing me fiercely and touching me everywhere . . . only this time he unzips my pastel dress and rips my underwear off.

In between our solid kisses, he asks, "Is this what your friend does to you?"

I almost answer but I moan because of the pleasure he gives while kneading my breasts.

"Answer me, Ana," there is darkness in his voice that scares me and turns me on at the same time.

I don't know what to say so I just kiss him hoping he would shut up. I take off his clothes too until every inch of his skin is within my touch. I wrap my hips around his legs and he carries us to the bed located in the middle of the room. He lays me there and positions himself on top of me.

He flips me so I am facing my front. He uses his knee to open my legs wider. I can feel his head and I moan. I am so wet for him. I am so ready for this. But it's taking so long. I need him.

"Christian, please . . ."

"Answer me first, Ana. Are we just friends?"

"No, we're not. We are not!"

Then he slams into me and I cry out in pleasure. While he rides me, I can't fathom the sensation waving inside of me. My pulse rate is speedy and my heartbeat is so damn fast. The way he says the F word is vicious and hateful.

"Friends." SLAM. "Friends." SLAM. "FRIENDS?" SLAM.

A few more heavy thrusting and then I am done. I almost think he is done too but he flips me over and now we're facing each other. Eye to eye, nose to nose, and mouth to mouth, he pushes and pulls in and out of me with much tenderness. Unlike a few seconds ago, he is sweet and tender now. It terrifies me . . . but looking at those grey eyes, I let myself feel.

While he pushes in and out of me, his right hand cups my right cheek. I lean to kiss it softly. Then, his speed increases.

I come once more.

He releases a satisfied sigh when he reaches his climax. He kisses me on the forehead before he pulls out of me. I don't deserve to be cuddled right now but he still pulls me in so I could feel his warmth.

Underneath the crumpled white sheets, Christian asks me, "Why did you do it, Ana? What did I do wrong that made you say that you're just a friend of mine?"

I close my eyes and even when my fingers shake, I tell him the truth, "Because you spoke of your past and I thought that if that girl came back, she would replace me right away and . . . I'm used to being replaced."

I said it so brokenly that I have no pride left.

Not daring to look at Christian's face in the dark, I just listen to his voice. He breathes out a heavy sigh and says, "Is this about her? Is this about Leila? I am so sorry that I kept it from you. The truth is we were together two years ago. I thought I loved her so we hit it off but then I found out that she only used me from the beginning for my money. I didn't mention it to you because when you came into my life, it's like nothing else mattered."

That made me freeze. I look at him right now and his dark eyes glimmer in the lightless room. There is vulnerability in him.

"Ana, you don't know how badly I didn't want to fall for you. But what can I do? Cupid refuses to take his arrow back."

I gulp at that. He grabs my hand and kisses each of my knuckles, taking his time.

"When I first saw you, you were a mess but I thought that you were so beautiful. You were so free. You were so wild. And while your inner demons kill you inside, you were illuminating under the lights. The thought of not having you that night? It felt like a waste of my entire life."

"Christian . . . I don't deserve you."

His fingers touch my chin and he moves my gaze to his again.

"I am telling you this because I love you. I love you as a friend and I love you as a partner. You mean every 'I love you's' to me. Most of all, you deserve every sincere 'I love you's' in the world."

That automatically tears me up.

Christian continues, "You deserve a man who watches you shine at your best and who embraces you at your worst. You deserve a man who will make you see the potentials you have. You deserve to receive text messages that will brighten up your day. You deserve to be given flowers when you least expect them. You deserve to be treated like a goddess in a bed. You deserve to be loved, Ana. You deserve it no matter what. You deserve me."

Tears flow freely down my cheeks and I don't say anything at all. I press my lips to his and we're back to making love again.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

I wake up and Christian's not beside me anymore. I look out the window and it's a bright sunny day. I sit down, body feeling a little bit sore from last night's activities.

I smell the aroma of bacon and that wakes me up. I grab his white buttoned shirt on the ground and put it on. Walking to the table area, I see him with only his pants on and he's preparing the plates, putting the bacon in an orderly manner.

He notices me staring at him and says, "Good morning, Beautiful."

I raise my brow, "Beautiful? Look at me. My hair is so messy and I am so pale. I feel like the entire world could smell my bad breath when I open my mouth."

"Still so beautiful. You're so beautiful." He continues saying and I blush.

Look at this: a CEO of a billionaire empire prepares my breakfast. He talks about how the bacon is so good and it should be paired with eggs. I just stare at this topless man and realize that if he says I deserve him then I must give him what he deserves.

I guess it's time to let myself feel. I guess it's time to stop being so miserable. I guess it's time to love him. It's time to give myself a chance. It's going to be hard but I will try. I will go on therapy.

Christian is caught off guard when I hug him from behind, kissing his back over and over again.

He chuckles, "I love you, Ana."

"I love you, Christian. I love you."

It feels beautiful to say that.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Got busy this week but here you go . . . a chapter of sweetness. We move to part two.**

 **Also, please listen to the song. If you are married and you have a one hell of a good husband then you could relate to this song. It's called "Beautiful" by Plumb. This song inspired the chapter.**

 **Thank you so much for reading my work!**

 **Margo.**


	14. Part 2 Chapter 1: Loving

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 2**

 **Chapter 1**

 **Loving**

" **Loving can hurt. Loving can hurt sometimes but it's the only thing that I know. When it gets hard—you know it can get hard sometimes, it's the only thing that makes us feel alive." ~ Ed Sheeran, Photograph**

Sitting outside of the doctor's office, I think of the reasons why I'm not stupid. Has it really come to this point? Have I gone so mad that I can no longer teach myself how to trust? Am I really this weak?

There was a loud voice screaming a megaphone in my mind. I want to run. I want to escape and live in an island where I don't have to see a shrink.

Then a smaller voice whispers that if I walk away now then Christian wouldn't be happy. I promised that I would try for him and walking out is not an option to help me attain that goal. I sigh out loud. He isn't here. He is busy meeting his clients but he has sent me text messages saying that no matter what happens, he loves me.

"Anastasia Steele?" The doctor's secretary calls out my name.

I go inside the doctor's office. He's referred by Christian. I guess he is a friend of his.

As soon as I see Dr. Flynn, my jaw drops. He is very good-looking. I don't see handsome doctors a lot and this is quite a unique experience. He looks like a happy person. I guess he must maintain that aura to brighten up the days of his patients.

"Good morning, Miss Steele. You may take your seat."

I sit in front of him and he seems very attentive. I am still quite skeptical though.

"I am Dr. Flynn and I've known Christian for two years. Tell me about yourself."

"You can call me Ana and I am 26 . . ." I tell him what's there to be known. I didn't expect therapy to be this way. I expected it to be something so generic—kind of a scripted cycle in a well-planned out interview. Right now it just feels like I am talking to a friend or a confidant that I have known my whole life. Dr. Flynn seems to be the man who won't judge me even though I open up a lot.

"So what seems to be the problem? Christian told me you had trust issues."

With shaking fingers I answered, "Yes, I do have trust issues. I mean, uhm . . . yeah . . . uhm."

"You can cry. Go ahead," he says in a monotonous voice.

As soon as he says that, I take the cue. I begin to cry. I don't know but waterfalls cascade from my eyes. They are the waters by which I've hidden all over the years I spent in this cruel life. He hands me a tissue box and I probably emptied them.

With a helpless voice I say, "Christian will leave me. He will leave me. I know I said I'd try but it is too difficult. I guess I cannot. I don't know. Maybe he will be like my father. Maybe he will be like Jose. Christian will leave me."

"What makes you think he will leave you?"

"Because everybody does!"

"Is he like everybody?"

Then I pause at that question. My crying has mellowed down as I just stare at Dr. Flynn's kind eyes. Minutes passed and I think I'm done with the tears.

He states, "You have abandonment issues, Ana. You conceal it by acting out strong and acting like you don't feel a thing but the truth is: you are dying inside. Tell you what, Ana, before you love someone else, you have to love yourself first."

"What does that mean?"

He answers me with another question, undoubtedly the hardest one I've ever heard, "Do you love yourself?"

In my hesitancy, both of us find the answer.

Dr. Flynn gives me a kind smile, "When was the last time you felt fulfilled?"

A nostalgic bit me on the neck and I recall, "I was in college when I became a part of the photography club. I was able to enhance my skill and people complimented how great I was in taking photographs. Those photos? They weren't just images. They were memories. I felt like I was helping people with their lives."

"Then why did you stop?"

I breathe out, "Jose left me. He broke my heart. I thought we were forever and . . . I did so many dumb things for him but I guess it was for nothing."

"Ana, we all do dumb things for love. Some even do dumb things to more than twenty people before they meet their right one. I guess this isn't just about Jose, right? You have a past before him."

I think of my father, "Yes, I do but I don't want to talk about him."

"Understood. Ana, I just want you to know that love is dumb but it's the only thing that urges us to continue living in this world. Everybody at some point in their lives did something dumb but that doesn't make them any less. It makes them more of what they are because of vulnerability."

I turn quiet.

"I commend you, Ana. This vulnerability you've shown in this appointment? It is _strength_."

For the first time, I smile at him.

"Tell you what, you're going to meet me every other two weeks. And after this, can you take photographs? It's a talent of yours. Surely you haven't forgotten it."

I nod with full of reservations.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

I've forgotten how it felt like.

The camera I'm holding between my two hands remind me of who I was years ago. I can't stop clicking. Each snap of the camera tells a story and it sends warmth in my heart.

We are in the park, the four of us along with Christian's security men. Ethan and Mia are having a "date". Things are really weird between the two of them and it is so stupid I just want to laugh.

"You didn't tell me that you are in to photography?" Christian says.

I smile at him, "Well, I really like taking photos. So give me a pose."

He just stands there not posing at all. Despite looking like a statue, he still looks like a model. He is wearing something casual today and the way his buttoned navy blue shirt exaggerates his fair complexion and shows off his perfectly toned muscles.

"What got you into photography?"

"College. I finally found a club where I meet group of people who understand that photography is so much harder than it is. I mean, there is science. You have to know about lighting. There is math because you have to know the angle. Most importantly, there is art so you could convey the message through visuals."

"I never really thought of it that way," he says.

Our talk about photography gets interrupted when I scream a little. Ethan grabs both of my shoulders as he hides behind me. What the hell is going on?

"Hey! What's the matter?" Christian is on big brother mode as Mia seems to act like a child.

Her arms are outstretched as she's running to Ethan. Look at her, so stylish with her burgundy dress and thousand dollar shoes running after the lanky blonde Ethan whose glasses are too think I can't even see the color of his eyes.

"Hug me! Hug me! Hug me!" Mia screams running after Ethan, not caring that he is trying to get away from her. I can't believe she's in her twenties but she's really adorable. Ethan lets go of my shoulders and he heads down the hill of the park, getting away from Mia.

I take photos of them, laughing at their craziness. Christian does too. Although his laughter is not that loud, I can see in his eyes that he's amused by his sister.

Ethan sees a little boy with a water gun and he grabs it, hitting Mia with water. The water's splashed all over her face and I cannot stop laughing. Despite getting wet, Mia continues to run to him for a hug. She finally gets it though. Ethan freezes before hugging her back.

This reminds me of what Dr. Flynn told me.

I ask Christian, "What's the dumbest thing you ever did for love?"

He remembers with a nostalgic smile, "I was heartbroken with Leila. Elliott brought me to this beach and I wrote a message, put it inside a bottle, and threw it across the ocean. I was screaming out loud. I wrote something so pathetic."

"I think you mentioned that in the wedding speech."

"Yes, I did."

"What's the dumbest thing you ever did about love?"

Christian asks me back and I just shrug.

I begin taking photos of him. Shot after shot after shot until he gets pissed off. He rolls his eyes, clearly annoyed by what I was doing.

"Stop it, okay?! Stop it!"

I straighten my back, eyes wide with puppy dog eyes. My lower lips overlaps my upper one and I pretend to be this child-like person who got mad because he raised his voice.

Christian seems so worried in seeing my reaction and that makes me laugh internally, "Oh no, Baby. I didn't mean it. Baby, I'm sorry. Take photos of me now. I'll pose for you."

"Okay!" I practically squeak back to my energetic mood.

He wasn't really kidding when he poses for me. He has poses when he is flexing. He reminds me of Johnny Bravo when he does those. We run around the park. The trees, the lake, the benches, I take photos of him everywhere. Taylor and the other guards are laughing at him already.

Christian rolls up his sleeves and his stomach bulges with his pirate pose. I can't stop laughing.

When we are tired, I review the photos and can't help but fall for this man. There may be reservations but it's getting harder to pretend that I don't feel for him.

I look back at him and he is back to his serious businessman look.

"Christian, ask me again."

"Huh?"

"Ask me about the dumbest thing about loving."

"Oh . . . What's the dumbest thing you ever did about love?"

I take a few steps close to him until no space separates us anymore.

"The dumbest thing I did about love was not to fight for it."

With that, I press my lips to him. That kiss meant I'll fight for him.

 **A/N:**

 **Thank you for your reviews and for listening to Beautiful by Plumb. This chapter is dedicated to the one I love. He is the reason why I feel so in love these days. This chapter is actually chill and feel-good.**

 **Thank you so much for the support.**

 **Margo.**


	15. Part 2 Chapter 2: Ex

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 2**

 **Chapter 2**

 **Ex**

" **Here's to my ex: hey look at me now! I'm all the way up I swear you'll never bring me down." ~ Little Mix, Shout Out to my Ex**

April has been promoted as writer and I could really tell that this means the entire world for her. I am glad she has joined our company. She is a really great hairstylist too. She's pulled my hair up but not without making it look like a rose with glittering hairpins.

"See? You look ready to face your ex now."

I give her an awkward smile, "That is far from my concern now, April."

"Ana, anybody who meets her ex must be ready. He should feel the twinge of regret in the pit of his stomach knowing how hot you've turned out to be."

I roll my eyes and just give her a small smile.

It's a good thing that Hannah allowed me to just report half the day. We are going to have reunion, the photography club from college. I feel nervous not because Jose is going to be there but because I'm the only one who didn't pursue photography after college. I have this one classmate who roamed around the world just to take pictures and that makes me jealous in a good way.

As for Jose, I don't know how to feel about him. For years, he has been a cloud in my memory. It's almost like he doesn't exist at all.

"You ready now?"

I nod at April.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

Aside from being a fantastic hairstylist, April is also a fashion expert. We went to this store during lunch time and we practically tried out every single dress until she finally gives her thumbs up with this one. It's a green off-shoulder satin dress and it does make me look good. I swear, April deserves a spot in our fashion spread.

"Thank you, April!"

"Anytime, Ana. You go girl!"

Before heading to the Italian restaurant, I pass by Christian's building and thought that it would be a great thing to drop by.

Everybody knows me already and even Andrea gives me a warm smile. Christian really went overboard when he pretended that he's sleeping with her. At least now that's all cleared up. A lot of his personnel compliment my look and that makes me want to hug April. She's such a sweetheart—a fashionable sweetheart.

I swing Christian's door open and I almost utter a word but I hear him yell over the phone.

"I thought this was taken cared of already! I thought she already signed it!"

I have never heard him so furious.

"WHAT? NO? SHE HASN'T SIGNED THEM?!"

I clear my throat and he pauses when he stares at me. Christian takes a deep breath before saying to whoever's on the phone, "I will give you a call back."

He turns his phone off and I can see that he's really stressed out. His hair is pointing at every direction and his shirt is unbuttoned, necktie loose. There's even a stain of coffee in his sleeves. What is going on here?

"Are you okay?"

Christian briefly nods, "Just a problem with a client."

He takes a seat on his leather couch and I wrap my arms around his shoulders, from behind. I give him a kiss on top of his forehead and on his cheek.

"I am heading to our lunch reunion now."

He turns around and I can see the stress has doubled in his face.

Standing up, he pulls me in for an embrace, "I don't have anything to worry about, right?"

I kiss him on the forehead then on the nose then on the chin. I assure him, "Christian, you've got nothing to worry about. Yes, Jose is going to be there but so will everybody else. We're mostly going to talk about where we've been and where photography took us. I am pretty sure they're going to mention how I wasted my talent for years. I mean, I don't even have a new camera."

"You do," he says seriously.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

He lets go of our embrace and gets something from his drawer. My jaw literally drops upon identifying the object. I jump up and down like a kindergartener. It's the newest edition of a photographic camera with wider lens and extraordinary features. Oh my goodness!

"I wouldn't let you go there without this."

He hands me the camera but I wrap my arms around him first. I give him a quick kiss on the lips.

I am lucky to have him.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

Everybody is gushing at the camera I have. We've been here for fifteen minutes and they can't stop complimenting how gorgeous it is. Even Steve, our most successful photographer doesn't have this. He even jokes about buying this. Well, no, because this was given by Christian.

I shift the attention to Mike and Paula. They are married with a kid and that's something we never expected. They were enemies back in college.

"So Mike, when did you realize that you and Paula are meant for each other?"

"When she kicked my ass!"

"Really?"

"That's when I realized that I wanted a feisty, independent woman who can stand up for herself. That happened after we graduated college. I was about to get mauled by this gang but Paula was there and she nailed it! Those guys went to the ER!"

"That's really impressive!" Well, I can write about Paula in our women's magazine. That will be very impressive. I can definitely write about how she took down those guys. It seems like the Powerpuff girls are trapped in her body.

"I am a black belter!" She declares and I don't wonder anymore.

We listen to them talking about their love story and how they plan to have six children. But then the atmosphere gets awkward and heavy when Jose arrives with his wife, Beatrice. He says hello to everybody including me. Beatrice is doing the same too. She is really kind and despite of all that's happened, I can't afford to hate her.

"Whoa! What's going on here?"

As usual, Jose is very handsome. He is Hispanic and he's very handsome. He looks like he is fresh out of a telenovela and that's really unfair. How can he still be so handsome after all these years?

"Yo! What's up with the photography business?"

Elaine, one of the really talented ones, begins talking about "E-Company" and how it is growing even though it's only six months old. Basically she gets phone calls and photographs or videographs those events.

Jose gives a sarcastic laugh when he replies, "Phew! Elaine, that's so loser! Six months old? Not having profit? You need to move up your game plan!"

"Excuse me?" Elaine is clearly offended and I'm bewildered too.

"What you do? It is not impressive!"

Everybody turns silent including his own wife.

"What have you been doing, Jose?" James, probably the most successful among us asks. I can see the annoyance he is trying to conceal.

"Been going to places. I just came back from a photoshoot in Paris."

"Oh, that's cool! I rode on three planes in one day. Went to China then to Taiwan then to the Philippines since they asked me to. Tell me, have you been there?"

Jose turns quiet for a while before saying, "Two years ago, yes."

This is the moment I realized that stalking your ex has its perks too.

"Two years ago, Jose? You had diarrhea, remember? You were admitted in this hospital for severe stomachache!"

Everbody laughs and Jose looks like he wants to murder me. I just raise my brow at him.

"You were stalking me before? Pathetic ex," he mutters before taking a spoon of lasagne.

I don't care though. I am true to what I feel. So what if he knows that I stalked him when he left me? What's important now is that he doesn't matter.

I turn my eyes to Beatrice and she's clearly cold.

"I'm cold," she tells Jose.

He just replies, "Would have given you my coat but I feel cold too."

Beatrice just smiles a little bit and that's when I lose it.

When we dated in college, everybody told me that he is short-tempered and nothing about him speaks gentleman. Of course, I ignored everything they said because I really loved him. But now I can see it crystal clear.

I immediately stand up and say, "You know what? I spent years wondering why I was never enough. I spent too many times thinking why you let me go despite giving you my all. Those times? They were wasted. You know what I think? You don't deserve me. You're acting like trash right now when the truth is you've never achieved anything in your life."

Jose cockily questions back, "Why can't you just admit that you aren't over me yet?"

"What seems to be the problem here?" The world stops when I hear his voice. Everyone in our table stares dumbfounded.

Christian is here. Unlike his haggard look an hour ago, he looks so handsome and neat. He gives me a quick kiss on the lips before leaning to shake hands with Jose.

"I am Christian Trevelyan-Grey, CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. and Ana's boyfriend. You are?"

Jose gulps. He is nothing against him.

"Let's go?" Christian asks me as soon as he stops shaking hands with Jose.

I give him a nod before holding hands with him, exiting the restaurant.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Thank you for your responses last chapter. Thanks also to those who give their support for this story. Thank you so much!**

 **What can you say about this chap?**

 **Thanks!**

 **Margo**


	16. Part 2 Chapter 3: Me

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 2**

 **Chapter 3**

 **Me**

" **I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I'm meant to be. This is me."**

 **~ Kealla Settle, This is Me**

After that drama with Jose, Christian and I went to this desserts shop to eat some doughnuts. I worked and he did. But we met up afterwards. We had coffee at midnight and chased the sky until the sun is up.

His bodyguards are clearly sleepy but they don't have a choice since he is with me and I just love to take photos of this captivating camera he gave.

Of course, he is the model of my shots. Only this time his face is not exposed. Still dressed in his suit, Christian's back faces the camera. It was a difficult shoot since we are all too sleepy but the results are perfect.

There are seven hours of photographs depicted on these shots.

At 12 midnight, Christian is sipping coffee from the shop. The light is emphasized and so is the mug of coffee. I love how detailed it is. The smoke is visible even without microscope.

At 1, it's a shot of him in the middle of the road. It is dark and the suburbs are sleeping. He is standing on the yellow lines. It was a distance shot but really artsy.

2 a.m., he is on the hood of his car, sitting and gazing at the billboard of a topless woman. This was slightly side viewed but his face doesn't show still. His knees pressed up to his chest, arms around his legs. He seems to be fantasizing about the billboard girl.

The 3 a.m. shot consists of him sitting on the edge of his company's rooftop. The angle of the camera is kind of a viewpoint. He overlooks the colorful glow of the metropolis. It seems like we're following where his eyes are.

At 4 a.m., we are on Seattle Bridge and I call it a lucky shot. This was like the 1 a.m. shot. Only this time he is in the middle of the road, while both of his sides have cars speeding by. I got scared but hey, photographers are risk takers.

5 a.m. was all about the "almost golden" color of the sky focused along with the flying of his copper hair and right temple. It is so focused but it creates such great art. You could divide the photo in three horizontal spaces: first, the yellow for the sky. Second, the copper for his hair. Third, the pale from his skin.

Sunrise came at 6 a.m. and that when he kisses my hand. His face isn't visible though since the sunrays blocked it. As soon as I take the last shot, I pull his chin up and kissed him at this beginning of the day.

Our lips softly touch like it's meant to be that way.

When we pull away, Taylor cleared his throat then yawned, "Are you done now?"

Christian and I laugh.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

The latest issue of LUSH has been released and since this is the world of media, we are already planning for the next issue. Hannah is in her editor-in-chief mode as we are in the conference room discussing how we can maintain our sales.

She assigns articles to each and every one of us.

"April, you must ensemble a summer wedding couture. The concept is about weddings for this summer."

"Bryan, please interview Miss Tiffany West. She is the owner of monkey-printed shirts. Of course, her shirts aren't attractive at all but the point is she's a woman who excelled in the business industry."

"Leslie, you have piles of letters and you must choose one situation and give that girl an advice through a written feature. If possible, choose a story dealing with a wedding that got cancelled because the groom ran off with another guy. That will get good reads."

"And Ana?"

"Yes, Hannah?"

"Do your thing."

I give her a smile and she smiles back.

Hannah clears her throat and compliments, "LUSH July Edition was just released a week ago but we already received millions of positive feedbacks because of Ana's work. Ana, we commend you for what you did."

In that same room, I feel so much appreciation when they clapped their hands for me. In my whole duration in LUSH, this is the first time I've seen them all agree to one thing I've done.

Instead of writing the usual columns, I did a photo essay instead. I used the photos I took of Christian from midnight until sunrise.

It's more on the photos and less on text.

 **LUSH**

 **Words and Photos by Anastasia Steele**

 **Caffeine Nights**

 **One day he won't be faceless. One day he will explore midnights with you. You will talk until sunrise and get photographs. One day the sun will shine. Even in your darkest moments, he will be there. One day he will stay.**

 **These photos comprise of how beautiful the night is. He is meant to pose in back view so you could imagine him as the face of someone you love. Look at the pictures and know that someday . . . you'll see his face. Someday you'll spend caffeine nights with him.**

"Speech! Speech! Speech!" They all chant and I stand up to give them my speech.

I tell them, "Well, guys, one thing I never told you is that I love photography. In fact, I breathe photography when I was in college. I love the angles of it and the way it captures moments. I mean, it couldn't be important now but when time fades, there you'll see how important it is.

Anyway, I decided to quit photography since my ex who also happened to be a photographer broke my heart. It wasn't just my heart actually. He broke all of me. And then we met just last week at lunch and you know what, I scolded myself for being hanged up on him. He treated his colleagues and wife badly. I mean, how could I let myself believe that I am so flawed that he couldn't love me?

Then, someone came into my life and made me realize that the person who truly loves you will make you accept your own flaws. He gave me a camera and supported my photography. He reminded me that I took photos not because of my ex but because of me."

I think of Christian deeply—his face, his body, and his unruly habits. I look at the photos I took of him. And all I can think of is his face and nothing else.

That's when the words slip out of my tongue naturally, "He is the right one if he knows you are not perfect but makes you feel like you're still enough."

After a long moment of silence, they clap their hands even louder. I swear, April is already crying. It must have reminded her of her own husband.

Hannah then says, "I love this new you, Ana. I love this."

The old me was negative. I was too dark. I couldn't find brightness.

I am so different now.

I reply, "I love this 'me' too."

We resume our meeting.

 **A/N:**

 **This chapter is focused on loving yourself. All of your flaws and everything. This chapter is dedicated to my friend who was struggling with intense moodswings. She's been dating this medicine student for more than 5 months now. When she told him she was sad, he instantly told her that from the first month they dated, he knew she was bipolar. She sought therapy and thus the diagnosis was confirmed.**

 **Yet he never saw her as that. He saw her as more.**

 **Ana's speech at the end is dedicated to them.**

 **By the way, thank you for your reviews, private messages, follows, and favorites last chapter.**

 **Thank you!**

 **Margo.**


	17. Part 2 Chapter 4: Paranoia

**Author's Note posted below**

 **Part 2**

 **Chapter 4**

 **Paranoia**

" **For all your beautiful traits and the way you do it with ease**

 **For all my flaws, paranoia, and insecurities"**

 **~Taylor Swift; Ed Sheeran; Future, End Game**

Something in my e-mail freezes me like a statue. Is this true? Is this really true? I have to pinch myself and cup both of my cheeks just to make sure that this is a reality that's happening.

From: Boyce King (boycekingphotography )

 **Good day Miss Anastasia Steele!**

 **I am Boyce King, professional photographer. My photography mostly deals with traveling the world and I use the in-depth element 99% of the time. I already have more than 10 million followers on social media sites such as Instagram and Twitter. I can say that my fanbase is quite decent.**

 **The point is I am going to have a world exhibit. The exhibit will take place on seven continents and it will be done in one year. I have my crew with me and we would like you to join us.**

 **My assistance, Fiona is an avid reader of LUSH and she was so in love with your photos that she really cried. I looked at them and I am very impressed. Kudos Miss Steele! Your photo essay is powerful.**

 **The tour is entitled "Travel with Boyce". It is a witty name for "Travel with Boys". I took photos of little boys in different parts of the world and they're the object of the photograph. We would like it to be "Travel with Boyce feat. Anastasia Steele". Before we show the exhibit to the public, yours would be the pre-exhibit. Whatever photos you have right there, as long as they are good then we are more than willing to expose them to photo lovers.**

 **Please reply with your number and I will call you by 12 noon. We will elaborate this business proposal and if you do want to join the tour then me and my assistant will discuss the contract.**

 **Thanks!**

 **Boyce King**

 **Photographer**

He has been a famous photographer back in our college days. We attended his workshops and seminars and now? He wants me to be a part of his tour. Without thinking, I send him a reply. I even got anxious because . . . what if I sent him the wrong number?

Then, I turn silent. I try to sink it in.

Excitement and the thought of opportunity aside, I realize I have a lot to sacrifice.

This is one year of traveling abroad.

What about my cat?

What about my job in LUSH?

What about Christian?

All of a sudden, I don't know if I'll go for it or not.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

Our PR group told us that it's very important to be interactive with people. We host a lot of events where "interaction" does take place.

For this month's event, we are going to conduct a small program for high school students so they would be interested in the magazine and maybe even apply in the future. We give them a preview of our summer wedding themed issue that we're planning.

The program is doing good as Hannah gives an inspirational talk. I already know what she's going to say, "I thought I couldn't make it but I did." She has said that in every single one of her speeches.

Models follow after her speech. They are all dressed up by the multi-talented April Gallo. They strut their attires and the students are so amazed. The teens that don't seem to appreciate fashion yawn and even fall asleep.

"Ana, call Brighton now. The rapper he got is not famous at all. I've never heard of him," Hannah tells me and I immediately nod.

Brighton is our new intern. He falls asleep during working hours and his glasses are so thick. He has great sense of fashion though. Maybe that's why he got to be an intern in our office.

I dial the number and he answers, "Hello?"

"Who is this rapper you got, Brighton?"

"Oh, he is Dane Voss. He is famous."

"What? We've never heard of him." Dane Voss isn't actually a rapper name in my opinion.

I know that we messed this up especially when Dane gets to be on the stage. I don't know if teens are going to enjoy his rapping. I expected Brighton to get rappers like Eminem or Nicki Minaj or Tyga. Our magazine could get them, you know.

Brighton tells me, "He has a lot of customers especially during the Holiday season."

"What?"

Then, Dane Voss starts speaking over the microphone. "I am Dane Voss and I am going to teach you how to wrap a gift. Let's start. First, get your scissors and gift wrapper . . ."

We all shake our heads. Hannah is going to be so mad that she could flip the whole conference room table. I swear, I've always hated interns but Brighton? He tops that list."

"Brighton, what have you done?! What have you done?! You are a dimwit, you know that?" I can't stop it anymore. He has done so much damage to this event.

"What did I do wrong?"

"He is not a rapper like Eminem! You bought a guy who wraps. We want a rapper with no 'W'! Where is your common sense?!"

"Oh . . ." That's when he realized that LUSH is going to kick him out.

"Give me the phone!" Hannah gets the phone from me and screams over the phone. She grabs the phone too harshly, her nails accidentally scratching my hand. I look around and everybody is stressed. Everybody seems to be pressured. Dane Voss keeps on teaching the high school students how to wrap a gift and Hannah gives me the difficult task to tell him to stop performing.

The look on his face tells me that he is embarrassed. He stares at the audience and they are all laughing at him.

And then I ask myself:

Am I willing to sacrifice photography for this?

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

My heart tells me to go to Christian. After all, he is my refuge. I don't know which decision to make. This is what's difficult: when all the doors close, you get lost. When all the doors open, you don't know which to choose. He is a businessman and he knows me the most so it's best for me to seek an advice from him.

I buy a box of doughnuts for him since he's been so stressed out with work.

I say hello to everybody in his office and I give some of them doughnuts. They're working hard for my boyfriend and it's just the right thing to do.

That leaves us with half a dozen.

As I slide the door open, I see it all again. My excitement falters. My heart hammers in dismay. Also, there is a mixture of fear in the kaleidoscope of colors in my chest.

Christian is back to that time I saw him. He is screaming all over the phone just like what Hannah did a while ago. He is cursing and his skin dramatically turns red.

"Is she fucking crazy?! How could she fucking do this?! Do what I ask you to do!"

Then the word _she_ brings out disturbing thoughts. I imagine Christian with another girl. I imagine him waking up one day and telling me, _"Ana, I am done with you. You are not enough for me anymore. I found a better girl."_

"Not possible?" His voice rises higher.

A brief silence follows as his fingers rest on his chair, clearly concealing anger as his veins show.

"MAKE IT FUCKING POSSIBLE!" He flips the chair causing the laptop to fall on the floor. It cracks and even breaks. I was too surprised that I let go of the box of doughnuts. They are scatter all over the ground now.

Christian looks at me and turns his phone right away.

"Baby? Ana, you're here," Christian breathes as he practically runs to me. I am in a state of shock. He keeps on calling my name. He kisses me all over my face and pulls me in for a tight hug.

I don't dare move. I don't dare speak.

The image of him doing that reminded me of Dad's fights with Mom. The sound of the breaking laptop matches the cracks of the broken vase. I try not to cry. I try not to think of it.

Christian is not my Dad. Christian has always been true to me.

"Ana, baby, speak to me."

"You are not hiding anything from me, right?" I beg.

"I'm not," he answers before kissing my forehead.

I don't know if he is telling the truth.

 **A/N: Thanks to all who told me that last chapter was empowering.**

 **Thank you all!**

 **Also, I had a guest who reviewed that my take on photography is accurate. Thanks a lot! It inspired me to research more.**

 **What do you think of this chapter?**

 **Margo.**


	18. Part 2 Chapter 5: Truth

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 2**

 **Chapter 5**

 **Truth**

" **In a blink of an eye, just a whisper of smoke, you could lose everything.**

 **The truth is you'll never know . . . so I'll make most of the minutes and love with no regret."**

 **~Like I'm Gonna Lose You, Meghan Trainor**

I find myself lying down the couch in Dr. Flynn's office.

He tells me that I have been in shock after seeing Christian's anger yesterday. We are talking about my feelings and what's been going on. I also tell him about the career option Boyce King just offered. While I lay down, I feel relaxed. Dr. Flynn says I need this.

"Are you ready to talk about what happened with your father?"

I tell him everything. I tell him how I saw him as the man who I loved first. He used to play Elvis Presley songs for me. But everything changed when he met this woman and totally replaced us. I felt rejected. I was forgotten. I was a shadow of my stepsister.

"I can see why you are reacting this way, Ana. Tell me more."

"I was young but I knew what was going on, alright? Dad used to dance with Mom in the middle of the room and it ended up with them screaming at each other in the middle of the night. One time Mom nagged too much and Dad flipped the center table over. The next thing I know, he packed his bags and just left me. I was young but I already know that love never lasts."

He smiles smoothly, "Why do I feel something different in your last statement? I don't feel convinced by the way you said that."

I hate how he is always right. I hate how this psychiatrist knows how I really feel. I hate it when he knows I am lying.

I admit, "The truth is I am scared. Flynn, one look at Christian and I want to believe that love lasts."

He gives me a warm smile before instructing me, "Close your eyes."

I do what he told me.

"For once in your life, listen to the beat of your heart. Clear off your mind, clear off past memories, clear off all inhibitions. Don't remember your father. Just heart, Ana. Just heart. Feel the beat of your heart."

This time my palm presses against my chest and I hear it beating.

"What does it say?"

Each beat spells out the letters of his name endlessly. I guess for as long as it could, it will be always Christian's name on it. In that moment, nothing else mattered. Not even my crazy paranoia. Not even the fear of him being with another woman.

"What does it say, Ana?" Flynn presses.

"It says Christian. My heart says Christian."

"What are you going to do about it?"

I know exactly what. I just have to keep it to myself.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

Christian is in his study room as many clients are demanding a lot from his company. He is so focused and beautiful at the same time. I linger at the doorframe as I stare at this man. He may be tired but he is good at it. There is nothing he isn't good at. Of course, it's Christian.

His brows crease and his sweater isn't neatly ironed. His hair is far from perfect but I love him so much I could stare at him all day long because he is a masterpiece.

Then, I think of how far we've come. We told ourselves that we'd be "somewhere in the middle". Well, that's how he called it. Then, the wind blew and we changed our course. No matter how hard we try to avoid it, something in the tides just pull us back together. It is a force of nature.

It's crazy but I want him so much right now.

I walk across the room and stand behind him. I read the e-mails he is focusing on. My hands roam around his front as I lean in to kiss him from the nape of his neck and all the way to his earlobe.

"Baby, what are you doing?" His voice is already husky. I can tell he wants me too.

"You know exactly what I'm doing," I answer before pressing my lips to his cheek.

He turns his head and once our lips touch, an electric shock engulfs the atmosphere. It is hard, passionate, needy, and it's as if our whole lives depend on it. Without opening his eyes, he shuts his laptop off and presses me against the bookshelf.

It hurts in a way that it gives a sense of pleasure. I moan in between our kissing and I take off his clothing as if there's no tomorrow. When he unbuttons my top, his mouth quickly finds my left nipple and sucks on it. His other hand focuses on my right breast and it gives me further sensation.

"Christian," I moan.

I spread my legs open giving him the cue to enter me. He pushes in and I can't help but gasp at the feeling of being whole. I feel complete now that he's inside me. He pushes in and out, back and forth. My back hurts but I can't complain because this feeling is too beautiful to be stopped.

His thrusts get heavier and I do my best to keep up. Our lips never part though. The books fall off from the shelf and I hold on to his broad shoulders.

"Baby, I am coming. Come with me."

In a few seconds, we come together. Our foreheads press and our breathing shared the same space. I give him a quick peck before tucking my face in his neck.

My eyes peak to his table and all I want is for it to be filled with picture frames of us and our family. I can see it now. I can see our future. I am not afraid anymore.

"I love you, Christian. I love you so much."

He tells me deeply, "I love you, Ana. No matter what happens. I'm always going to love you."

There is nothing wrong with what he said but there's just something wrong with the way he said it. It's like he is in fear.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

Work has been stressful lately. Hannah expects a lot for my next column. Since we got great reviews from my photo essay, I assumed she'd let me do it again with a different theme. But now she doesn't want me to do one. That's such a bummer. I really want to share my photography skills.

As soon as shift is done, I wave goodbye to my co-workers and wave hello to Christian's.

I have been spending a lot of time here that I have been well-acquainted with his employees. They give me warm smiles and sometimes I give them food in return. I learn that they prefer sour food over sweets. I don't know why though.

"Hello Andrea!" I say before accessing Christian's door.

"No! Ma'am, don't go inside," this is so out of character for her to stop me.

"Huh? Why?"

"Because . . . you just can't."

I smile at her. Maybe Christian has a surprise for me. Maybe he will give me roses and food and chocolates but wants to keep it a secret? Or maybe he'll ask me to marry him?

"Let me in, Andrea," I practically push her to the side.

Then, I walk inside to find that there's no Christian but a girl who is dressed so grand, she belongs to a cover of a magazine. She is very stylish and she looks like the type who is ready to walk in a red carpet every day.

She has brown hair. They are perfect.

"Hello! I am Anastasia Steele, Christian's girlfriend."

That feels nice to say it.

"I am Leila, Christian's wife."

 **A/N:**

 **This will be explained further in the next chapter.**

 **Thank you for reading!**

 **Margo.**


	19. Part 2 Chapter 6: Broken

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 2**

 **Chapter 6**

 **Broken**

" **I'm falling apart. I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating."**

 **~Lifehouse, Broken**

Life is a funny thing. It is the most unpredictable asshole to ever exist. Just when you think you're headed north, it blows you to the south. This time, I am blown to the very south. This is the most bottom I've ever been.

There I was tricking myself. I imagine it all. I imagine living a future with this man. That wasn't me at all. I thought of having kids with him and going home from work to have dinner with him. We'd have dates when the kids have the babysitter. Then, I would never fear that he'll never cheat on me.

And he ended up cheating on me.

I look at Leila and she is staring at me as if I am the most pathetic person she's ever seen. She seems to be high maintenance. I eye her from head to toe. Her clothes are clearly expensive and her skin glows. Her hair shines bright. I bet she had done it in France.

It is still creeping inside of me. Christian has a wife.

Christian has a wife.

That sentence makes me fall apart. It is too heavy that it sinks all the ships sailing in my vein. I replay it in my head. Christian has a wife.

"Christian wanted a divorce since he has a girlfriend now. You must be happy that you are the other woman." Her words stung. I already hate her. The pair of boots she's wearing comes from a snake's skin. She's the snake here. Her words are venomous.

She takes a sip of the glass of red wine and her face changes when she disapproves of the taste. "Girlfriend? I think you are a delusional waitress so go and get me a new glass of red wine."

It is one thing for Christian to hide this from me. I mean, I do consider that maybe this woman is lying. Maybe she is the delusional one. But she's handing me the glass and her diamond ring is shining so bright. It hurts my eyes to see it. My instincts tell me that she isn't lying. She really is married to Christian.

But this isn't who I am. I don't let anyone treat me this way.

The world is crumbling before me and I do nothing but crumble with it. Still I get my strength. I get all of that remaining strength. I take a deep breath before splashing the red wine to her face. She is extremely shocked. Her outfit is destroyed and her thick makeup smudged in the worst way.

I can't help but smile.

"Looks good on you," I tell her before walking out and letting my tears flow.

I exit Christian's office and it gets even worse when Christian arrives. He breathes in and out. He is sweating too much. He looks as though he ran a few floors up. There is also that fear in his eyes. They are glistening. I hate how this turned out. I am already crying and I can't stop it. It is rare to make me cry. But he's got into my Achilles heel and shot it with an arrow.

He looks at Andrea who mouths her apology.

I see this now. He has planned to hide this from me.

My voice is raspy when I ask, "Is she your wife?"

"Ana, we haven't been together in a long time. Our divorce papers haven't been finalized yet. She refuses to sign them. Ana, she cheated on me without even letting our marriage last for a month. That was two years ago, Ana. She is not my wife—"

I scream, "You know what I mean, Christian! Is she your wife?!"

He is silent.

"Are you married to her? Is she your wife?" I sound like I am begging for him to say no.

"Yes," he whispers and I thought I was already broken all my life.

Nothing compares to this.

I simply walk out and he tries to chase me. I step into the elevator and I raise my hand at him, "Stop! Christian, stop!"

He almost doesn't listen to me but when he sees that more tears are falling freely from my eyes, he stops on his eyes.

The elevator door closes.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

He has been calling me for several times already. I turn my phone off because it's been too annoying.

I try not to feel. I try not to connect it with my heart. I used to be someone who doesn't care. Where did it all go? I guard my heart with everything I do. I close my eyes and let the tears come out again. My eyes are swollen from hours and hours of crying.

How is this even possible? Christian is a high profile figure.

Christian isn't the type of man who hides the one he loves from the world.

I know him.

Maybe he still loves her.

I open my laptop and googled Christian's wedding and a few headlines make me pull my hair and I am going crazy, too crazy.

 **CHRISTIAN GREY MARRIED? PR MAVEN SAYS NO**

 **CHRISTIAN GREY SECRET WEDDING**

 **PUBLICIST SAYS MR. GREY IS STILL A BACHELOR**

 **CHRISTIAN GREY: I AM NOT MARRIED**

 **CHRISTIAN GREY: THIS IS MY PERSONAL LIFE AND YOU GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT**

 **CHRISTIAN WITH AN INTERN? SOUNDS JUICY**

I slam my laptop shut and wipe my cheeks. I sleep while hugging my cat. He nuzzles my neck as if he knows that I am in pain. I rest my jaw on his head, feeling his ears move.

"Why does it hurt so much?"

He meows.

"It's because I love him," my voice trembles.

He meows again.

I am definitely going to take him with Boyce's photography world tour.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

The morning isn't at all friendly. Its heat sprawls across my face, like salt on a wound. My eyes are swollen and my cat is already hungry. Despite not having the energy, I stand up to feed him. I don't want to eat though.

Then I remember that his food is outside. I didn't get it yesterday.

I open my door and I am surprised to see Christian sleeping on the dirty floor. He is still wearing the same clothes from yesterday. If I look like a mess, then he looks like a mess too. He even looks worse. He slowly opens his eyes and gets alert when he sees me.

I grab the cat food but not before he gets inside.

"Get out, Christian!"

"Ana, please let me explain,"

"GET OUT!"

"Ana, please . . ."

I stand, throwing the bag of catfood to the side, knocking the vase down.

"EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!" I almost lose my voice,

"I married Leila, okay?! I got married to her years ago. She only used me for money. Three weeks after our wedding, I caught her issuing a five million dollar check to her long-time boyfriend."

"For heaven's sake! You are a billionaire! You could have done some background check! You expect me to believe that?!"

"I trusted her, okay? I loved her so much to the point that when I knew it was a lie the whole time, I wanted to die, okay? If it weren't for Elliott, I wouldn't be here by now. She used me, okay?! I don't love her anymore. We are only married by paper. I love you, Ana. When I met you, that's when I knew that what I felt for her was nothing compared to you. It was nothing, okay? It is only you."

"Why are you still married to her?" I ask brokenly.

She asked for a divorce but I didn't agree. We didn't have a prenuptial agreement. Half of my properties will be hers when we get divorced. That why I didn't agree. When I met you, I thought that nothing else mattered but you. Not even the world that I can possess. All that matters is you."

I roll my eyes and say, "There you are again with the smooth talking."

He grabs my hand pleading, "Ana, I love you. I love you so much. Believe me; I tried not to hurt you. That's why I told you that we'd be somewhere in the middle because I know that I am not a free man legally. But I couldn't resist. I love you too much."

"Why should I believe you?" I despise him.

"Because I love you and I really want to be legally divorced with her but she refuses now. I don't know what game she's playing but Ana, I swear it's just you."

He is crying now kissing each of my knuckles.

I stand up and remain speechless. I am so angry and my chest hurts.

"I know you are angry, Ana. You have every right to be. Let it all out. Come on. You've been living this way. You've been trying to conceal everything. Let it all out now. I will understand."

"No," I don't listen.

"Let it out. Get mad at me. Slap me. Go!" He forces me.

"No," I remain stubborn.

"LET IT OUT," he screams this time and so I scream louder.

That scream felt like a thousand years. All of the pain since I was a child. All of the battle wounds. All of the times I haven't felt like I'm enough. When I was a kid, when I was in college, and now, right now, I don't feel like I am enough.

I scream all over the place. I throw the plates everywhere. I throw the vases. I throw the pillows. I see Christian and I slap him all over again cursing at how he could do this to me. How he could hide this from me. I want to slap him.

I want to get the life out of him. But here I am lying down the floor, next to the broken pieces of things that I can see myself in—shattered and broken.

Christian lays next to me crying too.

It's no excuse. We are through.

 **Author's Note:**

 **So sad writing this.**

 **Thank you for all your support last chapter.**

 **Margo.**


	20. Part 1 Chapter 7: Drunk

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 2**

 **Chapter 7**

 **Drunk**

" **It's a quarter after one. I'm a little drunk and I need you now.**

 **Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now."**

 **~Lady Antebellum, Need You Now**

The days passed and Christian has called for what seems to be a million times. He even leaves voice messages assuring me that he will make a way to cut ties with Leila. The worst part is my heart screams to forgive him.

Why is this so hard? No one ever warned me that stopping yourself from forgiving the one you love takes a lot of strength. What we did was wrong. Of course, I knew that our relationship didn't start right since we used each other for sex but it was wrong the entire time because I was . . . a mistress.

It still makes me cry if I think about that.

I check the clock and it's already past one at dawn. The cityscape brightens up outside my window but it doesn't shed a single amount of light to the darkness I felt within. My cat sleeps beside me but he isn't even enough to comfort me. He must have sensed it. He yawned and moved his slumber inside my opened panty drawer.

Then, my phone lights up again. This time, it's just his number. I remove his name but I can't block him. He calls once. He calls twice. I yearn for him. I really do. I guess when you love someone-even if they did something wrong, your anger is nothing compared to your forgiveness.

I don't forgive him but I give in.

I click the green button of my phone, not even saying hello.

"Hello? Ana? Hello?" He is so drunk. I can hear it.

I don't say anything.

"I know how you breathe, Baby. I can hear it. I know you are there."

The way he calls me "Baby" makes my heart pound.

I cry even harder, my teeth biting the sheets when I figure out that he's crying, "I know what I did was wrong. But I don't want to lose you. I love you, Ana. I really do. Please forgive me. Please don't leave me. I don't know how to handle it if you leave me. It would kill me, Ana. It would fucking kill me."

I sniffle and that makes him silent.

Suddenly there's a change in his voice, "See? This is how awful I am. You should be sleeping. You should be thinking about happy thoughts. You should be . . . happy. I am sorry I did the opposite of that."

I close my eyes and feel his voice.

"Ana, I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if we still have a chance. We still have a chance, right? You are going to love me, right?"

He sounds like he is begging and no matter how much I want to drive to his place and reconcile with him; I know that it isn't wise. Even if I forgive him, there won't be trust. What's the use of loving someone when you can't give your trust?

"Ana, tell me you love me," he begs once.

"Tell me you love me," he begs twice and this time more brokenly.

It almost hurt my ear when he screams, "TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!" I get startled when I hear the sound of the glass smashing against what must have been a hard wall.

He continues to scream, "Don't leave me! Don't leave me! Don't leave me!"

Until he breaks down crying, "Don't leave me please."

He sounds like a child now.

Then I remember what I did in my apartment. I was so mad I practically destroyed everything. I was so mad I passed out after weeping. I wake up the next day on my bed and my place is already clean. The vases have been replaced; even my picture frames have been too. It is almost as if I didn't break down at all. He cleaned up my mess. Then again, it was the mess he created.

The two of us? We are a mess.

I tell him silently, "I love you, Christian but I don't know if I can trust you. I can forgive you but I can't trust you."

He turns quiet too, "Who is to blame? Of course, me."

His words are becoming more slurred and I can picture him with his eyes already closed. Maybe he is in his sitting area, pouring out another shot of whiskey. Maybe he's still in his office with his suit and tie completely crumpled and dirty and messy. Or, he is in bed just like me; thinking of why it all went wrong.

"I need to sleep," I tell him trying to end the call.

"I will dream of you. And in my dreams, everything is okay. I am not married. You don't have trust issues. We don't have that much baggage to pull us down. In that dream, everything will be perfect," he is rather composed now.

"I will dream of that too," I tell him quietly.

We end the call. I end it first.

That's when I force myself to sleep. That's when I look up at the dark ceiling and realize after all these years that it is so unfair. Love doesn't always come with happiness. Love doesn't always come with trust. Love doesn't always come with forgiveness. One can exist without the other. But why does it always have to come with pain?

I close my eyes and finally sleep.

 **~Somewhere in the Middle~**

When the sunlight sprawled over my room and I stretch my arms, it slightly hurt my eyes but it doesn't hurt that much. I get up and watch over my window, everybody is fast-paced running in the streets. They are probably heading off to work. They are always in a rush. They are in so much rush that they forget that life doesn't slow down. It never does. In a blink of an eye, it's never gone.

As I prepare my morning coffee, I think about everything.

I think of Dad.

I think of Jose.

I think of Christian.

Then, I realize that I have been living in this black box thinking of all the wrong things in my life.

I have to get out of this box. The world is wide. The world can show me a lot of things. And it can show me who I can be.

That's when I open my laptop and sent an email to Boyce King. I am going with the year-long world exhibit tour.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Funny how I wrote this sad chapter while listening to the soundtrack of Mamma Mia 2. You guys should watch this. ABBA songs never die.**

 **You also inspire me all the time. Your reviews, even the bad ones give me the motivation.**

 **Thank you!**

 **Margo.**


	21. Part 2 Chapter 8: Hero

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Part 2**

 **Chapter 8**

 **Hero**

" **Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I would like to be. I could fly higher than an eagle, for you are the wind beneath my wings."**

 **~Bette Midler, Wind Beneath My Wings**

Boyce is a very professional man. His office is everything I've ever wanted. It is very neat and tidy. Different cameras are placed intricately on the shelf and photographs of various counties are hanging on the walls. He really has an eye for artful images. On top of that, he is the kind of person who isn't intimidating but at the same time there is that professional respect.

"I am so glad that you accepted my invitation. I know it is a lot to process because this is going to take a year. Are you sure your family is okay with this?"

"I don't have a family," I tell him while my fingers intertwine. It's true. No one is going to stop me . . . except Christian. That's why I won't tell him. I will just run off and he will never see me again. Yes, I will miss him and yes, he is the man I love most but it just hurts. I just want to get away.

Something about Boyce's expression changes as soon as I said. That's when I look at his fingers and there's a wedding band. For a very good-looking man, he could be one of those guys in The Bachelor but he isn't a bachelor clearly.

I look around his office. My eyes focused too much on the shots he took of the world that I didn't notice that one photograph placed on the upper part of the wall behind his table. I couldn't breathe when I saw it. Is this the reason why he asked me to be his photographer? Is it not because of my talent?

As if Boyce is reading my mind, he says, "She didn't tell me to hire you. Our team discovered you. Now all I ask is for you to grant her wish. Meet her and please talk to her."

"Why would I do that?"

"She salutes you. I have to tell you this, Ana. I love her and I don't want you to keep on hurting her. She loves you even though you never treated her right and you never spoke to her for years no matter how many times she tried to reach out."

"How dare you say that to me? You don't know anything!" I screamed not caring that he is practically my boss.

He remains calm, almost begging but keeps that cool voice, "Please. Just this once."

It just turned worse, didn't it?

Boyce King is my stepsister's husband.

 **~~~Somewhere in the Middle~~~**

As I swing the door open, I see her sitting in the middle of the restaurant. She already ordered. When her eyes spot my face, it lights up as if nothing ever happened before. How could she be this insensitive? After stealing my father, how could she smile this way? I guess there are just people who are purely evil.

I stand in front of her now, only the table separating us. That didn't hinder her from wrapping her arms around me. That embrace lasted for almost five years and no matter how tight or how long she hugged me, I didn't care. I never hugged her back.

"I miss you, Ana."

We sit and I don't say anything.

She says, "You love Italian spaghetti, right? I ordered this for you. You are going to love it!"

"Let's cut this out, Amber. Why are we here?" My voice hits like poison.

Amber tries to pretend that she is not offended. She clears her throat and continues, "That spaghetti is made by Chef Gnothe and—"

"Amber, stop fucking playing a game with me! Just stop it, okay?! If it weren't for your husband, I would be here meeting you. I don't care about you, okay? What do you want to talk about? Do you want to talk about how shitty my life turned out when my father left my mom for your mom? Do you want to talk about how he replaced me with you? Because if you want to talk about that to destroy me then it's too late. I am already destroyed. I have been destroyed for years."

Tears come out from her eyes and she takes a deep breath before replying.

"You never knew, didn't you?"

I huff, "Never knew what?"

She hushes, "I've always loved you."

For some reason, that hits me hard. I look at her hands and it is almost as if she is holding on to the table for support.

"You never let Dad explain. You never asked him the whole story."

"What's the whole story? There is no whole story!"

Amber raises her voice this time, "Listen to me! For once, listen before you destroy everything!"

I almost butt in but she interrupts with the revelation that made me feel like I wasted my life hating everything.

"Your mother cheated on him."

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even move. I couldn't say anything.

"He was trying so hard not for you to know because he loves you. He tried to work things out with your mother but still continued her affair with this younger man. Then Dad found my Mom who just got out of a bad marriage. You know how bad that was? My biological father was abusive. He treated us like shit! He earned but he only bought it for alcohol and cigarettes. He didn't even care if we were hungry. Then he blames us if we don't have something to eat."

I remain immobilized.

"Yes, Dad hurt my mother. A lot. He even threw a TV on me once."

She looks intensely to my eyes.

"Ana, I found a great life with Dad. Everything turned colorful. I was very when I found out that I have you to be my sister. You hurt me so many times but Mom told me to understand you because it's a lot for you to take in but after years and years of waiting, I still can't get you to love and accept me."

I insist weakly now, "Dad replaced me with you and—"

"He didn't. He never did. He told me to look up to you and everything you've achieved. Did I ever tell you that you are the apple of his eyes? Did I ever tell you that you how much I love you? Even my mother loves you."

"No—"

"Yes, Dad bought a doll and gave it to me. It was my first toy. My biological father never bought me one. Remember that time when I got bullied by the girls and I ran to you for help and you just smiled at those cool girls and ignored me? Remember that time when my heart broke because my first boyfriend only used me for a bet? You said, 'Amber, it was your fault. Amber, you are so stupid. Amber, get out of my house, okay? Fix your own problems.' Remember that time when you graduated and I was so proud. You didn't invite me but I came with a cake I made. When I gave it to you, you dropped it to the ground."

I try to deny all of that but I can't.

Amber replies, "But I don't hate you, Ana. I don't. But if you still won't give me a chance to be your sister then it's fine. I will respect you. I am going now before this even gets worse."

I am not crying like she is.

Amber stands up and gets her back. Before leaving she tells me, "Just to let you know, Dad is dying. He's had two heart attacks already. He is becoming weak. I am here not just because my husband encouraged me to but because Dad asks for you."

She leaves but not before saying, "He asks for you everyday."

That's when I cried.

 **Author's Note: Sorry for the VERY late update. I have been very tired lately because of work.**

 **Here goes the new chapter and I hope you like it.**

 **Also, we only have 2 chapters to go until the finale of the story.**

 **Thank you so much!**

 **Margo.**


	22. Part 2 Chapter 9: Hopes

**Author's Note posted at the very last chapter.**

 **Part 2**

 **Chapter 9**

 **Hopes**

" **High hopes when you let it go, go out, and start again.**

 **High hopes when it all comes to an end but the world keeps spinning around."**

 **~ High Hopes, Kodaline**

The drumbeats are banging against my chest as my heart rate speeds faster than lightning. My feet are walking fast-paced through the almost too white walls of this hospital hallway. When I finally reach the door, I take a deep breath before twisting the knob open and finally getting inside.

As soon as I see him, the tears stream down my face. The tubes are attached to him and there's a machine that monitors his heartbeat. Even at this distance, I could tell that he is struggling with his breathing. So many years have passed by since we last saw each other and looking at him now, he looked nothing like my father.

He was skinny and pale.

"Who is that?" His voice was frail.

Then I let the word escape from my tongue—the word I haven't uttered since, "Dad?"

Then tears immediately fall from his eyes. It almost scared me because I don't think he could handle it. He was crying out, "Anastasia? Ana? Ana? My baby! Come here! I can't believe you are here!"

He sobbed like a child and I did too. With no hesitations, I ran to him and embraced him so tight but careful enough not to hurt him. With all his strength, he kisses my face over and over again.

Then there was that feeling.

I was in the arms of the man who I considered home. I was in the arms of the man who I thought broke who I am. I loved him too much and that's why it hurt. But now, all I felt was regret. I wish I would have known. I wish I knew that it wasn't his fault.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me, Dad?" I cried out loud. I was practically bawling.

"I am sorry. You are all your mother had and if you knew she would have nothing."

"That's so unfair," I still cried pressing my face against his heavily breathing chest.

There was a brief moment of silence where the two of us just enjoyed each other's company. We just felt each other. All those years apart felt gone. It almost felt like I was small again and he would always be with me. He would always tell me that he loves me.

"Dad?" My voice remained hoarse.

"Ana?"

"I am sorry," I told him.

He kissed my forehead, "You have nothing to be sorry about, Sweetheart. Now look me in the eyes."

I sat up and stared at him. He was so weak but his eyes were bright and glimmering while he gazed at me.

"I know that you haven't been fine in the years we haven't talked. You've became a version of yourself that you hated. But this is what I tell you, no matter what happens you are always the little girl who is full of dreams and innocence. You are always the little girl filled with hopes for the future. You will always be a little girl.

It is not too late to be happy again. Happiness is a choice. Life will always tear you down but what matters is how you rise up."

"Dad," I cried even more when he said that.

He touched my wet cheek and smiled, "Leave it up to fate. Live in the moment. Don't be scared. Be free. Let whatever happen, happen. Don't forget to smile."

I smiled at that while crying.

Then I leaned forward to kiss his palm. My eyes darted to the corner of his bed and I smiled at it. I stood up and Dad got confused. Then, it was his turn to cry as much as he did.

I came back sitting on his bed.

With me was his guitar. Just like when I was little, he played the guitar for me. He taught me how to play our favorite song. I finally understood why he stopped singing it. This was his song for Mom too and the betrayal was too intense that he couldn't sing the song anymore. But today I'll sing it for him.

I started playing the guitar.

" _Wise men say only fools rush in but I can't help falling in love with you_.

 _Shall I stay? Would it be a sin if I can't help falling in love with you_?

I continued singing until he joined in grabbing my fingers.

" _Take my hand, take my whole life too for I can't help falling in love with you_."

When the song ended, I whispered, "I love you, Dad."

"I love you too," he said.

 **~~~Somewhere in the Middle~~~**

I went to the waiting room where Boyce, Amber, and their four year old son were sitting. Alice, my stepmother was there too and she already looked like she's grieving. She sat across Amber and none of them said a word. We knew Dad was dying and it really hurts to think of that.

Greg, their son was on Boyce's lap when he asked, "Momma? Can I pway soccer with Grampa?"

Amber didn't answer. She spaced out.

I didn't hear what Boyce told Greg but all I knew is they left the waiting room to give Amber and I some time. She wasn't speaking. She was still zoned out. I could tell she was about to cry.

Then, the guilt came crashing in. How could I've done everything to her? How did I manage to do that? How did I become such a monster? For that, I realized that hatred didn't cause any good. Hatred will always be something you'll regret. What's worse is that she wasn't worthy to be hated. She's my stepsister . . . No, she is my sister.

I knelt before her and grabbed her hand, she looked at me and I felt her tears dropped to my knuckles.

"Amber, I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I am so sorry," I begged crying for her forgiveness.

Then, just like the goodhearted woman she was, she wrapped her arms around me and cried too.

That was the moment I realized I was never alone and I didn't have to go through this alone.

 **~~~Somewhere in the Middle~~~**

We spent the past two weeks happy with my father. We even took him out when the doctor allowed us. He asked to be taken to the beach and I played the guitar for him. Boyce knew how to sing and Dad really loved listening to him.

I've appreciated Alice for loving Dad until the end. I salute her for staying so strong despite being in an abusive marriage before.

Also, I became close to Greg. I used to dislike kids but he's different. He's my nephew and he got his sense of humor from his father.

And Amber? We were best friends. We shared a lot of stuffs together. Whenever Dad looked at us, it's almost as if everything was perfect.

We were running around the beach during sunset while he watched at us sitting on his wheelchair. I always glanced at him and his face made me feel contented. It was pure happiness. Under the orange sunset, our glorious silhouettes were before his eyes and it was more than enough.

But then, just like the sunset, there is an end.

Dad died peacefully in his sleep. The pain is fresh but it isn't as intense as we expected it to be. Because we knew that guilt had no place in our hearts—that we spent the remaining seconds beautifully with him.

Here we are under the bright ray of the sun, wearing black dresses and ties. A lot of people came which reminded me of how good he was as a person.

When the funeral ended, Amber told me, "Ana, I guess someone came to see you."

I got confused. I turned around and saw Christian wearing black.

 **~~~Somewhere in the Middle~~~**

We sat on a bench and neither of us was speaking. There was an awkward tension between the two of us. Nevertheless, my heart still pounded so fast. It happens every time he is next to me . . . and even if he's not.

He cleared his throat saying, "My divorce is almost approved."

I didn't answer unsure of what to say.

Then he added, "But that's not what I came here for."

"What do you mean?"

Christian said with a sad smile, "I came here to offer my condolences to your father. And, I also came here to set you free."

Then there was that inexplicable hurt banging in my chest.

"Ana, I don't deserve you. I shouldn't have lied to you. I should have told you in the first place that I was still a man tied to a broken vow. I should have never kept it in the dark. I should have never hidden anything."

We looked at each other now and the sadness was overwhelming.

"Yes, I love you. Yes, I want you to be with me. Yes, I don't want you to go to the photography world tour. But the biggest yes is . . . I love you enough to let you go."

His sad smile made my tears appear.

"Thank you," I whispered.

Christian took my hand and kissed each of my fingers, "The problem is we met at the wrong time in our lives. I am still fixing the biggest mistake I made and you are still figuring out your life. It was an intersection between the two of us. We were in the _middle_ and we have to be apart now."

I fully understood him. Then I closed the space between the two of us and I rested my chin on his shoulder.

"I love you," I told him.

"Just as I love you," he replied.

Then I sat with my perfect posture wiping my tears away, "Christian, when we are away from each other, don't you ever go astray. Be the best of who you are. Don't go Leila on me. Don't throw a message in a bottle on the ocean, alright?"

He laughed, "Why did you have to remind me of that?"

I cannot do anything but laugh.

Then, when that laughter diminished, I told him remembering my Dad's words, "Let's just leave it up to fate. Just let whatever happen, happen."

We kissed and I left.

 **Thank you for reading! Epilogue to be uploaded in a short while.**

 **Margo.**


	23. Epilogue: Sea

**Epilogue**

 **Sea**

" **Like a river flows surely to the sea**

 **Darling so it goes**

 **Some things are meant to be."**

 **~~ Elvis Presley, Can't Help Falling in Love**

It has been eleven months since the world tour began and it has been the best moment of my life. Boyce is such an amazing boss. The professionalism is ideal. Even though he is my brother-in-law, he maintains that space where we have to act like professional photographers.

Life was good.

Our photographs were appreciated by people of different race, culture, and personalities. Their art appreciation was something so rare. It sent me a huge feeling of fulfilment when they told me that they felt something with the message conveyed by my photos.

I was happy but I cannot explain the part of me that still felt empty when I saw men who wore suits. They reminded me of Christian.

He would occasionally talk and I would initiate too but we've both been busy. I just let it go and flow. But despite it all, he never left my mind.

"Ana, you okay?"

Boyce interrupted my thoughts. "Oh yes, I am."

He gave me a smile and turned to one of the staff to get some photos. We are in Europe now specifically in Greece where the beauty was a photograph brought to life. This was the part that made me feel so lucky. I got to travel and enjoy my job at the same time.

Footsteps of mine were embedded on the sand and I played with the water that crashed on the shore. I even took photos. Who would have thought that life could be this good to me?

I took photos. Snap after snap and then shot after shot.

Then I took a photo of something that caught my eye and I slowly walked to it. I grabbed it. It was a bottle with a message inside.

I opened it and read what's written. I couldn't breathe. My knees were shaking. I dropped my camera.

 _June 17, 2014_

 _This is a stupid thing to do but I don't know how to feel with the pain anymore so let me do this stupid thing because I am losing my mind._

 _My wife always cheated on me. I truly loved her but she did this to me. If it weren't for my brother, I would have killed myself._

 _But if you are really out there, this is what I want you to know._

 _My brother told me that each heartache is a step closer to the right person and I am foolish enough to believe that whoever read this is the right person. But if you really are reading this, I want you to know that all I want from love is loyalty. All I want is not a woman who would wear all the luxuries in the world. I don't want a woman who is too perfect. I just want a woman who will make me feel at home at times when I feel homeless._

 _And I want you to know that I am far from perfect too. I have flaws of my own. I could be insensitive. I could be secretive. I could be the worst when I'm mad. I could give no time because I am busy but one thing is for sure: you'll always be the light of my soul._

 _Four years from now, June 17, 2018, I will be waiting on top of the Eiffel Tower. I am a man of honor. I will be there. I hope you will too._

 _Signed:_

 _Christian Trevelyan-Grey_

I couldn't breathe. My lips trembled. I couldn't believe it. My hands shook. I pulled out my phone to check the date and today's the 16th. Without hesitations I told Boyce I'd be going to France.

You cannot delay this.

Because this is fate.

 **~~~Somewhere in the Middle~~~**

I am on top of the Eiffel Tower and he was there. He was alone. I bet he had this place reserved for him. He wasn't relaxed as he sat. His palms rubbed together while his legs trembled. He hasn't shaved at all.

"Christian?" I gasped.

He turned to look at me and he stood up in too much shock. His eyes popped and his jaw dropped. He was too shocked to move. His eyes moved to my hands where I was holding his bottle—his bottle that I found because of fate.

We couldn't move. I was just smiling at him. Okay, I was half-smiling, half-crying. He was still too shocked. I

I decided to walk towards him and when we were inches apart, I said, "I found this yesterday. I was in Greece."

"A-Ana, I can't believe this," he was breathless.

"Me too," I told him.

"H-how could this be and . . ."

"Fate?"

He smiled.

Because it's like we met, I offered my free hand to him and said, "Nice to meet you, I am Anastasia Steele, a photographer who is on tour right now but took off to meet a special guy here. And, I have no issues with an ex anymore and I certainly have no issues with my family. No heavy baggage anymore."

He smiled and laughed for a second, "Nice to meet you too, Ana. I am Christian Grey, CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. I am not a playboy as what the tabloids portray of me and I most certainly am not married. Just like you, no heavy baggage."

He extended his hand and I thought he was just going to shake my hand like the usual "nice to meet you's" but he pulled me in for a deep kiss. I froze for a moment then I kiss him back. This felt so surreal. Our lips move passionately together and it was like nothing else mattered in the world.

Christian wrapped his arms around my waist while I wrapped mine around his neck still holding on to the bottle.

When we pulled away, he kissed my forehead and whispered, "I love you."

"I love you too."

We kissed again and fireworks were covering the sky. I pulled away to gaze in awe and he kissed my face over and over again. We looked at the fireworks clinging to each other.

We're in love and that's all that mattered. Nothing else. No exes. No back stories. No bad memories.

I look at him and realize that from now on, it's just us, we, the two of us.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Guys, I cannot believe this already ended. I love you all guys for trusting me in reading my story again. I can't express the depth of gratitude I feel for all of you reading my work despite my being gone for months.**

 **Thank you!**

 **And, this ending may seem vague to some but I think that this is perfect. You may notice that the image cover of the photo of the Eiffel Tower and this is the reason.**

 **I want you to know that you can't love a person fully if you don't love yourself. You can't love a person fully if you still haven't let go completely of your past. The characters here showed that they could change. And, I didn't want to focus on the love story alone. I want to focus on them as individuals too.**

 **Thank you so much for reading!**

 **Margo.**


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